Thursday, 11 July 2013
Wednesday, 10 July 2013
Second hand
The chefs served up the dinner.
They told me how wonderful the aroma was.
They cut up my food like my Mum used to.
They took mouthfuls, chewed it up and gobbed it back on to my plate.
They then proceeded to tell me how wonderful it tasted.
"Come on, aren’t you hungry like us?" they entreat.
The chefs served up the drinks as well.
They stuck their noses in my glass.
‘what a wonderful bouquet’ I was told.
They took mouthfuls,
swilling it around like connoisseurs,
after a quick gargle they gobbed it back into my glass.
They then proceeded to tell me how wonderful it tasted.
‘"Come on, aren’t you thirsty like us?" they entreat.
Yes ... but it would be better to taste for myself.
Guilded Rubbish
The Warden and the Bishop exchange the correct pass-grip
‘Ah! All is well in the loveliest 13th century stone church.’
(apart from the falling masonry)
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Stuff We Buy
Wow, that's clever...
Used it once and then it goes in the draw because it takes too long to clean it.
Wow, that's tasty...
Used it once and then it goes in the draw because it takes too long to clean it.
Wow, that's handy...
Used it once and then it goes in the draw because it takes too long to clean it.
Wow, that's healthy...
Used it once and then it goes in the draw because it takes too long to clean it.
I mean, I could go on...
Man Card Renewed
I'm a man, therefore i've got to take all of the shopping bags out of the car in one go! Will I have the strength to lift my arm to shut the boot/trunk whilst holding five full bags in the same hand? Yes, cause I'm a bloke! "No don't worry love, I've got them... just open the front door... the bags are starting to cut into my fingers."
Double Barrel
"God wants the impossible, His plans aim too high for my life'
I bet If He aimed low you would soon complain:
"He doesn’t think much of me, does He."
Monday, 8 July 2013
"Just One More Thing Sir"
Love watching old episodes of the American TV Detective series "Columbo".
For those that know the show, the running joke is you never get to see Mrs. Columbo. She's aways off "somewhere" or "at home".
It occurs to me that the writers of the show may have a back story that either,
For those that know the show, the running joke is you never get to see Mrs. Columbo. She's aways off "somewhere" or "at home".
It occurs to me that the writers of the show may have a back story that either,
- She genuinely was "somewhere else" or "at home" all the time.
- She didn't ever exist and Columbo's been lonely enough to make up a story that he was married...
- Or she did exist, but is buried under his patio. That would be ironic.
Sunday, 7 July 2013
Setting The Record Straight
Let's clear one thing up... CD's are NOT indestructible!!!!
Especially if you lend then to someone with young kids.
Especially if you lend then to someone with young kids.
Awww, Nee Bother, Man!
A concerned night-clubber, in Newcastle, called the Bomb Disposal Squad tonight after he discovered what he thought was a suspicious looking object; possibly a 'weapon of mass destruction'.
It turned out to be a, half-eaten, Donner kebab.
No harm done though... it's not like Britain went to war over it or anything. I mean, can you imagine if we went to war over something that turned out to be a mistake?
It turned out to be a, half-eaten, Donner kebab.
No harm done though... it's not like Britain went to war over it or anything. I mean, can you imagine if we went to war over something that turned out to be a mistake?
Saturday, 6 July 2013
Yer Daft Racist
Racism is not only evil... it's non-sense. There's more genetic information required to determine the shape of someone's ear lobes, than in the gene sequence that dictates the amount of skin pigment someone has. However, you don't see apartheid between those people with large ear lobes and those with small ear lobes. Or you don't see any hate groups for those without earlobes... it's insane when you bother to think it through!
The human genome is God's creation. No man is qualified to comment on what is agreeable or not! What arrogance.
Anyway, this Mexican goes into a bar... (Doh)
Pandora's Tupperware
Hey Nigel...? You know that big red button with the sign that said "DO NOT PRESS"...?
Friday, 5 July 2013
Cabin Man
Once upon a time… goes "the story of my life"
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."
Even now, there IS hope
Jeremiah 29:11-13"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."
Is This Your Mess?
Britain's plans to clean up the "Space Junk" orbiting the earth, are now well underway. Mrs Betty Sponge from Blue Sparkle Contractors, is one of only a few, Cleaning contractors who have won the tender to give space "a bit of a tidy up".
Betty, off to work, equipped with a cloth and a bottle of Vim.
(It was either writing this rubbish, or a childish/obvious joke about flatulence)
Thursday, 4 July 2013
Only One Has Overcome The World For Us
Even the "Man of Steel" is not Stainless.
Romans 3:23
"...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..."
Romans 3:23
"...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..."
Lost in the Forest
Momma used to say "life is like a box of Chocolates... there's always some greedy pig who eats the whole lot and then wants sympathy, cause they've gotten unhealthy"
I am not a Number!!!
Sir Rodney III of Swindon? ...Lord Sugar is asking if you have done that memo yet?
Yes, you are unique... just like everyone else!
Doggone
Fluffy?... Fluffy?... where are you?
Steve, have you seen fluffy?
That silly dog... I've searched all over the house this morning...
I need to have a sit down!
Steve, have you seen fluffy?
That silly dog... I've searched all over the house this morning...
I need to have a sit down!
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
When British Culture and Artistic Expression meet...
The Greensleeves Dance - From 'Absolutely'
Flashback of torchered-genius.
Time Travel
Thank you to all the readers from around the world! Really appreciate you taking time out to look at this blog.
I appreciate it "doesn't make sense, most of the time"... that's because I've wanted it to reflect something of the world we live in.
However, where ever you are, God bless you, your family and your nation!!!
Shalom
I appreciate it "doesn't make sense, most of the time"... that's because I've wanted it to reflect something of the world we live in.
However, where ever you are, God bless you, your family and your nation!!!
Shalom
Tuesday, 2 July 2013
Apple Computer For Sale
Anyone wanna buy an apple computer?
Bloke from Lagos, just wants £500 sent by Western Union... seems too good to be true!
Bloke from Lagos, just wants £500 sent by Western Union... seems too good to be true!
Yogurt
I know Greece has lots of financial issues right now, but one plus is, they seem to have cornered the yogurt market!
Garden G-nomes
Clone research is going to dangerous places according to campaign group 'Clonewatch''.
Copyrighted food strains under the guise of "miracle foods", has already brought concern as the natural strains are being killed off, on purpose.
The concern is, those with copyright will prosecute anyone re sowing their "branded seeds" for food. It's a form of control. Corporate "ownership" of people has obviously been illegal as the source was God. Scientists are in a race to manipulate the genomes of everything, in order to patent it.
Rumour has it, that a pair of Clones may have been "produced" and already copyrighted by the Biotech firm from Japan.
Copyrighted food strains under the guise of "miracle foods", has already brought concern as the natural strains are being killed off, on purpose.
The concern is, those with copyright will prosecute anyone re sowing their "branded seeds" for food. It's a form of control. Corporate "ownership" of people has obviously been illegal as the source was God. Scientists are in a race to manipulate the genomes of everything, in order to patent it.
Rumour has it, that a pair of Clones may have been "produced" and already copyrighted by the Biotech firm from Japan.
Bred with a "sub-human" status?
Where is the dignity?
The Two leading Genetic Scientists of the experiment.
Monday, 1 July 2013
Bad Postman, bad!!!
Awww, is Puddy-Pud-Pudums startled by the nasty postman... naughty postman! There there... look what I've bought you, yes a lovely cow leg. Aww look at his little face...
Sunday, 30 June 2013
Banned Adverts No5...
Hey Mums, are you fed up with Blinking all the time?
Try V8 carrot juice. (Fortified with loads of E-numbers)
V8 - you'll be able to see who's at the door...
...for up to 3miles"
Saturday, 29 June 2013
Bits On The Promenade
Went to Swanage, in Dorset, once. They have a section on 'Studland Beach' that is for nudists. I didn't know, until I had walked too far.
A bloke, completely 'starkers" passed by me and said, "Good morning, it's looking nice out today, isn't it?"
"I'd rather not look" I replied and walked on.
A bloke, completely 'starkers" passed by me and said, "Good morning, it's looking nice out today, isn't it?"
"I'd rather not look" I replied and walked on.
A Pharisee's Bread & Butter
When despots want to bind slaves forever - they make them proud of their chains
Re: Unscriptural Tradition & Teaching
Friday, 28 June 2013
Slice of Life
Are you tired of never knowing how many watermelons you own?
Well now those geniuses at Tyson have invented the 'Melonmatic'.
I bought one and I've discovered I actually own 3 melons... Life can only get better from now on.
Only £20 +VAT - (£399 inc.VAT)
Well now those geniuses at Tyson have invented the 'Melonmatic'.
I bought one and I've discovered I actually own 3 melons... Life can only get better from now on.
Only £20 +VAT - (£399 inc.VAT)
"Talent Borrows, Genius Steals...
Naïvety allows others to sue you, for your own flipp'in idea"
Naïvety allows others to sue you, for your own flipp'in idea"
Hair of the dog...
Went to do a Course on "Rejection Issues".
When I got to the venue, they told me to "s*d off".
(joke)
When I got to the venue, they told me to "s*d off".
(joke)
Soap
An unemployed colt protesting to the son of a 4x4 owner
"Horse Power, HA" we think it said in Horse Language.
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Secret Room Service
Special Agent George Cholesterol demonstrates the new watch-device that lets someone, caught behind enemy lines, bar-b-que some ribs... mmmmm mm. Ribs N Sauce... erm... it also has inbuilt lasers and a EMP generator.
Tears for Beers
I heard a voice come from a bottle of lager the other night... it said "Oi, what you looking at yer parrot-faced idiot, do you wanna fight about it?"... I went to smash it, but I'm glad to say, the barman reassured me by saying "It's alright mate, it's just the beer talking."
"It's a very, very... Mad World"
Bee Kind to everyone
Proverbs 16:24
"Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones."
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
Mixed Blessings
Mrs Beany and Mr Brian Glutton celebrate 25 years of marriage today. Beany is a clown and Brian an "alternative" stand up comedian.
In the mid-eighties, their inter-comedy marriage was frowned upon by all sections of the comedy circuit. Beany was expelled from her circus and Brian heckled at every gig by gangs of clownist thugs.
"In the early days, we had pretend bricks through the window, our car was covered in margarine and we had fake dog poo, put through our letter box. The rubbish practical jokes were just terrible" said Brian.
Today, however, they have paved the way for many couples from the clown and stand-up communities to tie the knot.
Don Hipster, of the Comedy Store, is quoted as saying "Their marriage is a joke, but a joke that's really not that funny!"
"In the early days, we had pretend bricks through the window, our car was covered in margarine and we had fake dog poo, put through our letter box. The rubbish practical jokes were just terrible" said Brian.
Today, however, they have paved the way for many couples from the clown and stand-up communities to tie the knot.
Don Hipster, of the Comedy Store, is quoted as saying "Their marriage is a joke, but a joke that's really not that funny!"
Beg Little Doggy Beg
"The best things in life are free £2.39"
..well, that's austerity tax for you.
..well, that's austerity tax for you.
Do not try this at home.
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