Favourite Tim Vine Joke

I saw a goat with a beard, the other day... the beard was a "blokee"

Brian May, Landmark Award

Brian May, from the rock band Queen, is to have his hair designated as a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

His hair is one, of only three hairstyles, that can be seen from space. The others are Donald Trump and that lady from Trinity Broadcasting Network.

An official sign on Brian May's head, is to be publicly unveiled next week, by Malcolm Hebden, aka "Norris Cole" from Coronation Street.

"Congratulations Brian"

Malcolm (aka Norris) said today

Help, No Brakes

Ah... a "Penny Farthing" bicycle, from the late 19th century. 

Only a narcissistic muppet, up his own backside, would think it's "cool" to ride anything so ungainly today...

oh wait...      ...silly me...     ...a 'hipster"

Hoo doo pong?

Was that you?

(It's childish, I know)

Quo Vadis Domino?

Cardinal "Hey Now Just Be" Cool, on his way to the papal election, earlier this year. He got as far as Sidcup, but fancied getting a Pizza instead.

Discernment

So, what do YOU think?

X Factor

"It means the world to me, It means everything to me, It means the world to me, It means everything to me, It means the world to me, It means everything to me, It means the world to me, It means everything to me, It means the world to me, It means everything to me, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH"

Armchair Generals

Paintballers, try attaching a sponge, soaked in paint, onto the end of your airgun. That way, you'll have a handy 'bayonet' if you ever run out of ammo!

Last Google & Testament

People are increasingly placing content on social networks and data storage facilities hosted in cyberspace, or the "cloud". Internet users around the world have expressed concern about what happens to their data after their demise.

Some companies have attempted to tackle the questions that raises after a person's death. Facebook, as an example, allows users to "memorialise" an account. Also Google has recently launched a tool to determine data use after death. Users can choose to delete data after a set period of time, or pass it on to specific people.

"We hope that this new feature will enable you to plan your digital afterlife - in a way that protects your privacy and security - and make life easier for your loved ones after you're gone," Google recently said in a blogpost.

However, imagine if it caused a family rift and they all went to a probate lawyer to sort it out?
Imagine the scene:
"To Aunt Flossie, I leave my crap jokes; 
to Cousin Jake I leave my 'Spotify Favourite Playlists'; 
to Uncle Steve, I leave all my Facebook photographs of food."

Then Uncle Steve says "But I wanted his "about me" description and hobby list... it's just that it's more interesting than my life, right now!"

Personally, I intend to donate all these blog posts, to a "Home for abandoned Grumpy Cats"

Coping Mechanism

"Accountable? erm... Yes, ok, erm ...hang on a minute..."

Daveheart

Hi to all the visitors from around the world, who have a look at this site, from time to time.
I really appreciate you taking some precious time out of your life to do so... sorry no refunds. ha ha.

Just wanted to point you to some other stuff on my main website www.notfunnydave.com
There's some POEMS you might like to have a look at perhaps?
I hope to concentrate on short films and a comedy sketch show soon... so please visit again for the latest.

God bless y'all - and thanks again for dropping by

Dave-id

Pill Grim

We take off our bandages, hoping to be invisible.

But don't be scared, there is no scar God hasn't already got Himself.

Hipster Watch

This week, a Hipster was spotted at Cafe Rouge in Bath, listening to vinyl LP's through headphones. This was days before a news article appeared on The One Show, about vinyl records making a comeback.

If only the rest of us knew stuff before it became popular, we wouldn't need to bother with the things that really matter in life, either.  

What else can we discern from this photo? I suppose, it seems, being a total muppet is about to become "cool" too? (was that a little too much? ...sorry)

Blog Update:

What?... He's now writing a cheque out, for a single Krispy Kreme Donut?... where's me swear-box?  

Not Running Out Of "Genius" Yet

Apple unveil the new iWig. 
It will be available in Brown, White, Red or Grey. 

64Gb Model, will wirelessly sync with your other devices.

For Sale

For Sale : Red Vauxhall Mucus 2.0L  - £8,3320 ono

Full colour display Satellite Navigation System, Radio/CD/MP3 Connectivity, Automatic Climate Control, 5 Speed Manual Gearbox, Trip Computer, Colour Coded Bumpers, Front Foglights, Adjustable Steering Column, Aluminium Pedals, Cruise Control, Cup Holders, Electric Front Windows, Heated Rear Window, Leather Gear Shift, Leather Steering Wheel, Steering Wheel Audio Controls, Anti Lock Braking System, Brake Assist System (BAS), Dynamic Stability Control, Electronic Brake Distribution, Front & Side Airbags, ISOFIX, Key De-Activation For Front Passenger Airbag, Central Door Locking, Child Locks, Immobiliser, AMG Alloys.

Phone Billy O'Rourke on xxxx xxxxx
No Time Wasters Please

T.V rots the Brian

Brian?

Father of Lights: We Are Without Excuse!

"Now it came about in the thirtieth year, on the fifth day of the fourth month, while I was by the river Chebar among the exiles, the heavens were opened and I saw visions of God."
(Ezekiel 1:1)

"As I looked, behold, a storm wind was coming from the north, a great cloud with fire flashing forth continually and a bright light around it, and in its midst something like glowing metal in the midst of the fire."
 (Ezekiel 1:4)

The "Northern Lights"

"And He who was sitting was like a jasper stone and a sardius in appearance; and there was a rainbow around the throne, like an emerald in appearance."
(Revelation 4:3)

We are without excuse... Creation is shouting His name.



(words in bold, emphasis mine)

Call of the Mild

Not really started yet!!!

Free "Music" Creation

Create your own "Florence & The Machine" album, by locking a barn owl in a wind-chime shop.

Time Portal Found, in Shepton Mallet

Lofty Frogspender, from Shepton Mallet, has stated in a local newspaper that he has discovered a lost gateway, to 'The Land That Time Forgot'. 

Mr Frogspender said, "I was just digging a hole, to bury my next-door neighbour's car keys, when I discovered this doorway to prehistoric times."

Further investigation, by the local council, revealed it was a service cover, to his cesspit. 

However, Mr Frogspender believes there is now a cover up underway and has written to David Icke for moral support. It's a portal just like in "Primeval" he added. Is the government going to shoot any raptors that come through? If the council can only empty the bins once a fortnight, how are they going to deal with a vicious carnivore from the past?" - in his world... he's got a point.

Mr Frogspender has since become bored with the whole episode and is now busy building a rocket powered pogo stick. "It's so I can see over the trees in my garden" he said.

Ah, Somerset... if you think this is weird , you should visit the Radstock Social Club, on a Friday night!

Mr Frogspender, pictured with his amazing "anomaly".

The End Is Near And It's All Your Fault

Bumped into one of those fundamentalists, the other day... they are soooo bigoted... ramming their message down everyone's throats. They harp-on about how they're right and everyone else is wrong; and if you disagree with them, they angrily get in your face... I told him... "Sorry, I don't believe what you're preaching" - and that was it... he ranted about how he wanted to save us from ignorance and how I should read the book he was holding... he boasted about how open-minded and free thinking he was, yet kept quoting his book, word for word. It's verging on hate speech! Well, he seemed to hate me and explained that it was his mission to "set me free."

I also object to how they have their creed taught to school children... what if, they don't believe it? Young minds shouldn't be indoctrinated by this dogma. These zealots of this religion, serve a false-god. For the last time... I don't believe in Darwin!!!

(well, you get the satirical point by now I hope)

"Oh, for Dawkin's sake!!!"

Faithful Are The Wounds Of A Four Legged Friend

Pickles listens to your tedious excuses and complaints, patiently waiting for you to stop churning out lines of self-pity and delusion. He hopes that then, one day, you might stop playing the martyr and take responsibility.

Either that, or he's hoping you're talking about food.

Zombie Apocalypse Starts At Anfield

Liverpool's Luis Suarez brings a new definition,
to the phrase "goalmouth"

Spoilt Brat!!!

Awkward at Teatime

Wet Concrete, Hearts and Minds

A new Afghan Kiddies T.V. show, is now in production. "Taliban-tubbies" is set to become one of the biggest programs for young children in their country; right behind, "Spongebob RPGpants"

- aaahh childhood... kids are so impressionable, aren't they?
What are your kids watching at the moment, then?

Men's Lib'

A recent article by Cosmopolitan's Agony Aunt, Deirdre Kalashnikov, that "Men really do not communicate their feelings, or express themselves very well", has brought about a response from the men of Bristol, to dispel this stereotype.

Kingdom

For God so loved the world,
that He did not send a committee!

Leningrad Cowboys Go America

Great deadpan movie from Finland...
(it moves into English Language about 10mins into the film - so do stay with it)

Maybe it's Maybelline?

The Bionic Kid

It's funny what you remember from school.
I remember walking around the playground, at the age of five, saying "who wants to play, the Six Million Dollar Man?" I got a group of about six other kids who wanted to join in.

The other kids chose which one was going to be Steve Austin (The Bionic/Six Million Dollar Man)...
They then all said to me, "you be Oscar Goldman", at which point they all tore off around the playground. I was left standing in the middle of the playground, pretending to answer the phone for the rest of lunchtime. I didn't see the other kids until the end of the lunch break.

Some kid asked "Whatcha doing?"
"I'm being Oscar Goldman" I said.
He said "oh" and walked off; as if it were normal to shuffle imagined paper, saying "yeah, yeah, hmm, yeah, ok Steve that's ok" to my wrist.

The funny thing was, I didn't leave the spot I was standing on, because I didn't want to miss a pretend phone call, that might come through. Is that a good sign?

True story!

Masters of disguise rumbled

The criminal gang, known at "The Biro Boys" have, at last, been caught by the police.

Their method of disguise, before their dramatic robberies, has been to draw on masks, with "whiteboard markers". Apparently, this time they used a "permanent ink marker" by mistake, which wouldn't wash off. The duo were caught ordering fish and chips, when the owner recognised them from the news reports that evening and telephoned the police. "Looks like they've had their chips" he said afterwards.

Photos of The Biro Boys were taken by police, at the very moment 

they were told the fish & chip shop owner's pun.

Genesis 1:28

“...Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

We all, still, need help Lord...

Kissy, Kissy

Prosperity "gospel"

If you become 1 of 2000 people, to send a £500 "SEED" to me,
I'll send you my free booklet called "How you can realise, my prosperity"

PLEASE NOTE, THE ABOVE IS SATIRE - DO NOT SEND ME ANYTHING!!!

Nothing New Under the Sun

The Bubble-Perm of Roman Times.
See... it's not just today's fashion that will be regrettable in retrospect.

NOT Photoshopped - Seriously!

Glass, Not Stained Anymore

Just-in Trousers

Mr Bieber, I know where you get your fashion ideas from!

Missing in Action IIV: House of the flying hair

Chuck Norris' toupee, could kick the **** out of your toupee!!!

Someone's Son

In this weeks episode of 'Watching Paint Dry':
"People rarely use a car's parcel-shelf, for parcels... ...I'm just saying."

Too late

Busybodies

There, that's sorted your problem... I have to go now... somewhere, there is a crime happening!

"...Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye."

Luke 6:42

The Reality Show

The world is drowning, not waving...

drowning in such a shallow place.

False "Potter's Hands"

"And many who had believed came confessing and telling their deeds. Also, many of those who had practiced magic brought their..." (Harry Potter) "...books together and burned them in the sight of all."
Acts 19:18-20

UK Plans to stop Traffic Cone Theft

The UK Government's 'Department for Roads & Transport', has launched a new initiative to reduce the incidents of traffic cone theft from UK streets. The main culprits are drunken revellers, stealing traffic cones late at night and putting them on their heads while dancing around in the middle of the road.

The initiative is called "Operation: Traffic Cone Roulette". A government spokesperson said: "You will never know which cone has been "loaded"; and the process is totally "Green".

Their message is, "if you pick up a live cone and put it on your head, think how you are going to explain the consequences, to your family when you get home?"

Equipping a Cone for "Traffic Cone Roulette"

Guess Who?

Bilbo Bismarck moved from rural Bavaria to central Berlin a few years ago. Apparently he gets comments about his appearance all the time whilst travelling to and from work.
Many people are constantly mistaking him, for a famous public figure.

Can you guess the famous person, people think he reminds them of?

That's right... it's Ron Mael, the weird keyboard player, from the band Sparks.

Immediate Evac Needed

Ever had days like this?

"Quvick... geth to thee chopperrrrr"

1st World problems

I posted a photograph of my dinner on facebook, because I think people are going to be really interested! - but no one clicked "like"... humpffff   ...and these 957 people, I've never met before, call themselves "friends!???"

(it's all sarcasm, in case you didn't realise)

Refreshment Forever

Living Water: It's The Real Thing

Thank you

I did wonder.

Love, Power and a Sound Mind

Thank you Jesus… I’ve just found me marbles!!!