Turning The Other Cheek

When you struck me on one cheek... I would have turned the other one, but I was doing my shoe laces up, at the time.

Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week... do try the fish.

Henchmen Dawn

"Hello, Police? Please help!!! ...save us from the police!"

Brazil... where are you going?

Happy Families?

"Better is open rebuke, than hidden love"
Proverbs 12:5

Dog

Suddenly, Sheba saw the ticket inspector and realised, she'd not bought a ticket.

It's a dog's life.... to always live in fear

You can't just say I "look nice"... can you?

Creosote, or Magic Markers, do not make a viable alternative to a proper spray tan... ah, oh right... it is a spray tan... sorry.

Do Not Take The Bait

A hunter's black humour...
writing a warning, the deer cannot read, in animal feed.

1 Peter 5:8
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

StarPaws

No tiddles… I… am your father

Maturity Test...

Say out loud...

"The UK Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls."

If you said Ed Balls, out loud and didn't snigger at his name, you're pretty mature.
I guess posting this in the first place is somewhat childish.

Romans 3:23

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,"

Life Imitating Art

I can't find my "Where's Wally?" book.

 (aka Where's Waldo?)

From Hair Care to Bear Hair

How about this... working in a garage, repairing mobile discos one day, then producing the X Factor the next... Sheeeesh!

Meanwhile, in FunkyTown

3D

Whether something is near or far, is a matter of perspective.

Vague, Clichéd "Prophesy" No 7

"You know, I believe that something is about to happen in your life, amen?"

Kerching

Yuppie Apocalypse

"mmm Yar, I think I have a window... Let me check... yes a window, yes I have a window.... do you have a window? If you have a window, I think I have a window too... mmmm yar, so we'll pencil in for that window then? mmmya o.k. Minty... Chow"

In 1986 'Yuppies' were flourishing in most big cities around the world, even to the point of being considered a "pest". Like locusts, anything green was consumed and assets were stripped, devastating communities everywhere. Yet it is now estimated, that they could all become extinct, as soon as 2015.
The onset of technology, coupled with the devastating "Yuppie Flu", has all but finished-off, this dying breed.

In a classic, rose-tinted, recollection of those selfish days, a new trust has been set up, to try and reintroduce the Yuppie to it's natural habitat. Wine bars are now being reconstructed, with ample Spritzers and plates of Quiche for everyone with shoulder pads or red braces and the biggest **** off phone, you can get.

Their ad campaign goes as follows: "Remember a Filofax is for the year... not just Christmas... Please give generously to the Westminster Society Hedge Fund."

On the other hand you could say to yourself, that "You Reap What You Sow" !

Hair Of The Dog

What's that Lassie?
Someone's trapped down a mine shaft, needs help and you want me to follow you?

...arr ...oh right, you've just come to do a poo on our lawn!

Dark Horse

Stupid Comic Book Editor... didn't like my new super hero character...

...wouldn't even look at the latest story line for "Mung Bean Man"

Radaway

At a check-up at the Dentist, they took another another x-ray photo of my teeth. It's funny, you still feel to smile for the photo... I have to say though, I was once again disappointed that, I didn't end up with a super-power from exposure to the x-ray machine.

Time will tell

Actually, let me ask the world... Where is your "god" now?

See Psalm 2

Back To Reality?

My Card... (too much?)

The Game of Life

tolsToy Story 3

Toy makers are preparing for future markets, by revealing a new range of the classic Barbie doll toys for children. For example... this model is called the "Trans-Human Barbie"

Another version planned, is the "I Won The Unpleasant Court Case Barbie".
It comes with Ken's House, Car and Swimming pool.

Pedantic Pandemic

Acceptance

The reality is, masks are ugly... not you!

Growing cOld Gracefully

Drop the Green! - just put on The Belt (of truth)
Kiros Britain, shame on you!

Greenbelt Festival, UK - Crowd Pleasers

"The sea levels are rising, due to global luke-warming. 
The tears of last nights damned, are a drop in the ocean."*

*From the poem "Irrigate with Tears" by David Robinson

The Importance of Context

Hello, My name is David… and I was in St. Petersburg at the time!

Yeah, and?

See ya...

.... ?

Just when your day couldn't get any stranger!

Hats off to this bloke... genius!!!

E-Strike

Data Mining Pits are to close in Silicon Valley. The concern from the Data Miners Union, is that this move will wreck traditional (online) communities. The industry has made large sums, digging up and selling on, whatever they uncover to the highest bidder. The work is risky to those involved.

The Data-Mining industry is to make way for a new method of extraction called "Data Fracking"
This has raised even more protests from many owners of sites, that are targeted by such activity. Apparently, this destructive process tears apart the lives of the people it affects, and makes platforms unstable. Mr Paddy Devious of "O'Frack-it Ltd", gave a statement that merely said "there is nothing to worry about".

Data-Miner Tick Henderson say's miners are focusing on breaking into 

markets that consumers say "do not require security".

Qvick... get to zer chopppur!!!

Arnie listening to the new 'One Direction' album.

Vector

Give a T.B. vaccine to the Badgers!

A Change of Perspective

The haughty, look down and think it is grains of sand they tread underfoot... but if they would only humble themselves and get on their knees for a closer look... they would realise that it is a field of pearls.

Holy Litigation

Here's a video by scientists illustrating the D.N.A. sequence in the 'human genome'

Youtube Video Removed by God, 

due to copyright infringement.

Psalm 24:1
The earth is the Lord’s, and all its fullness,
The world and those who dwell therein.

Consumers

"Aunt Bessie's", maker of frozen Yorkshire Puddings and Chips, has opened a new theme park today... Sunday Lunch Land.

Go on ...get along, before the whole site gets cold.

Great fun... Remember to try the "Gravy Boat Chute"

Downton Abbey

I've been writing a script for the next series of Downton Abbey. It goes something like this:

Mr Carson: 
"An important telegram for you, my lord"

Earl of Grantham: 
"Thank you Carson" 

Countess of Grantham: 
"What's wrong dear?"

Earl of Grantham: 
"I'm afraid something frightfully terrible has happened and we may loose Downton"

Countess of Grantham: 
"Oh my, that's horrible news"

Earl of Grantham: 
"Yes it is rather"

Mr Carson: 
"Excuse me my lord, an important telegram has just arrived"

Earl of Grantham: 
"Thank you Carson"

Countess of Grantham: 
"What is it dear?"

Earl of Grantham: 
"There's some wonderful news... it looks like Downton can be saved"

Countess of Grantham: 
"Oh my, that's wonderful news"

Earl of Grantham: 
"Yes it is rather"

Mr Carson: 
"An important telegram for you, my lord"

Earl of Grantham: 
"Thank you Carson"

Countess of Grantham: 
"What's wrong dear?"

Earl of Grantham: 
"I'm afraid something frightfully terrible has happened and we may loose Downton"

etc, etc, etc

Basically everything might be lost, but a few scenes later everything is going to be ok again. Hope this story-arc hasn't been done before (obviously, being sarcastic)


Downton Abbey... It's "Geordie Shore" for posh-folk (and those that would like to be posh)

Personally, I think it's an attempt to use "tabloid-drama" to induce the viewing British "Riff-Raff"... sorry, "Public", to yearn for a return to feudalism.

(Sigh) I think I'll put a Father Ted DVD on... I obviously need to have a laugh, a?

The Real Marvel

Ephesians 4:26

“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath..."

His 'Banner' Over Me Is Love

So Many Familiar Faeces

'Celebrity Big Brother' is back on UK television.

Not sure what will numb my mind quicker... watching 5 minutes of it, or hitting myself on the head with a claw hammer. I prefer the hammer. Either way, the question is, why would I put myself through such unintelligent pain?

T.V. Celebrity Culture: 

Gold Plated Manure for a Nation, being Groomed .

All Bets Are Off... Sorry

Harry Houdini, the famous escapologist who died in 1926, had his grave exhumed by police today. In a major operation, his coffin was opened and his remains were removed, so that they could be examined by the chief pathologist.

Police Inspector Jerry Poodle, who was leading the investigation, seemed rather disappointed and was heard to say "neeerrrr, he wasn't that good, then!"

Shortly afterwards, he was seen handing over a £10 note, to a colleague.

Apparently, Inspector Poodle is now also instigating a request to Interpol and the Graceland Estate, to excavate the grave of Elvis Presley. This is based on reports that Elvis was spotted last Friday, alive and well and shopping at a Tesco Store, in Newport Pagnell. Goodness knows what the odds are for this being true. Still, it helps you feel safe, walking the streets, a?

Madvert

Genuine (mad) advert on Gumtree in the "Items Wanted" Section:

Wanted: Hamster
Must have own cage & answer to the name "Doris".
Needed for Weston Super Mare area.
Please contact Phillip on **** *** **** 
Posted 2 hours ago

I emailed him to sell him my gifted hamster. It's special because, even though it isn't called Doris... it can do impressions of her. No reply yet... probably a nutter.

Night-time

Life is in the Blood.
But a "Religious spirit" drains it from the people.

2 Timothy 3:5

"Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away."

...Sauce for the Gander

Enjoying the world too much?
...come to your senses, 'cause you're on the menu.

Matthew 13:22

"Now he who received seed among the thorns is he who hears the word, and the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and he becomes unfruitful."

Psalm 2

Why do the nations rage, And the people plot a vain thing?
The kings of the earth set themselves, And the rulers take counsel together, Against the Lord and against His Anointed, saying, “Let us break Their bonds in pieces And cast away Their cords from us.”

He who sits in the heavens shall laugh; The Lord shall hold them in derision.
Then He shall speak to them in His wrath, And distress them in His deep displeasure:

“Yet I have set My King
On My holy hill of Zion.”

“I will declare the decree:
The Lord has said to Me, ‘You are My Son, Today I have begotten You. Ask of Me, and I will give You The nations for Your inheritance, And the ends of the earth for Your possession. You shall break them with a rod of iron; You shall dash them to pieces like a potter’s vessel.’”

Now therefore, be wise, O kings; Be instructed, you judges of the earth.
Serve the Lord with fear, And rejoice with trembling.
Kiss the Son, lest He be angry, And you perish in the way, When His wrath is kindled but a little.

Blessed are all those who put their trust in Him.

Planet X Factor

Turkish Saturday Night T.V. - weirder than most other nation's.

Thank you for the MuSick

We always think of Wild animals having finesse and balance... then we see "The Planet's Funniest Animals" and realise they make mistakes all the time. British music is similar... just by way of example... here's some cr*p they let on Top of the Pops in the 70's.

Arthur Mullard & Hilda Baker, 

The UK's answer to John Travolta & Olivia Newton John.

Well... it's a living!

The Sunny Delight Challenge

If you can source a drink touted as healthy for you, with more E-numbers and sugar... the government will give you a years supply of Sunny-D.

Competition Unofficially sponsored by The Diabetes Awareness Trust.