Astronomical Fees

I booked a trip to Mars, but it was cancelled because of poor admin...
who do I call to get my money back?

Why James Dunstan: Space Lawyer, of course... duh.

Knock Knock... who's there?

Wanting to trust everyone is a loving and noble hope.
but don't neglect wisdom...      ....not everyone is trustworthy!

"Be as wise as serpents, harmless as doves"

Picture of Bella Lugosi, 
"photoshopped" by David Robinson March 2013

Obama: The truth at last

There has been much speculation and conspiracy theories regarding the validity of President Barack Obama's birth certificate, over the years. Today, it has been uncovered that Barack Obama's real name was in fact Jim Kelly.

You may have seen him, before his current job, in movies such as "Enter the Dragon" and "Black Belt Jones".

Mercs, ain't got time for that!

Cornflakes??? Cornflakes??? ...Ha !

Man ...I eat cornflakes for breakfast!!!

Toaster Gospel

Finland's "Uncle Sam Patriot" has made a great little vid here... he manages to evangelise using a toaster!!! Gotta love this guy! God bless you man!

Be thou my television

The people perish through a lack of tele-Vision... but then again... thank Cowell... X Factor is on... that should keep the masses distracted for another working week.
The rats have taken over the lab.

A true "reality show" would reveal that the world is drowning, not waving...
...drowning in such a shallow place.

Farside Cartoon by Glen Larson

Death-star

Disney and George Lucas are considering signing Kim Jong Un for the part of Luke Skywalker in the new Starwars film.
Kim Jong Un's agent Mr Pong E Dung has said in a statement: "Glorious leader had this photo done recently... and all the people fink he look like that Luke bloke from Starwars film, init? 
Glorious leader, is confident of getting part in new film as he has great acting skills an also a nuclear weapon."

Facebag

How shy people met each other, before the Internet and Facebook

Dick Dorkins

The real reason the T-Rex had short arms is...
...it was on the ole playstation too much!

Foot & Mouth disease

When driving on motorways, have you ever seen a single shoe in the hard shoulder or verge?

Well, at last, here is proof of who has been throwing only a single shoe out of a passing car window. Do you know this man? Does he work for a shoe shop near you? That would explain why they only have one shoe instead of a pair, on the display stands. Is this man disposing of the other display shoes? Who is he working for? Is there a conspiracy?

Who cares!

A load of Kung Poo

This is old, but still hilarious!

Commie-dian

Associated Press has tracked down the long lost brother of Ronald McDonald.

It turns out that Donald McDonald has been working most of his life as a ticket salesmen in Northern Belarus, for the 'Karl Lager Ringpull Circus'. Donald was discovered by accident, when a passing reporter asked to take his photograph. The Reporter asked him if he had heard of his famous brother? He replied, "Niet English... that is Ten Rubles for photo"

A Ronald McDonald press officer said, "Ronald is so very pleased about the news, he cannot appear today, as all his tears of joy have made his make-up run everywhere".
He has personally sent Donald a 20% off voucher for a happy meal and a plastic toy of "ham-burglar".

Donald, pictured here, overjoyed at receiving
his happy meal voucher and plastic toy

Not a happy, future, despot.

Emperor Palpatine, future ruler of the Galactic Empire, as a kid, being woken up early.

Tarzan being indecisive again...

"ARRRRRR - AR - AAARRRRR - A - ...Erm..."

Hmmmmm

Insincere cat is "reeeeeally interested in what you're saying"

Rama-dan-a-ding-dong

"okay... Smile!!!"

Temperance

Georgie Simpson shows off his cup and medal for winning best happily married couple at the London Temperance Society's Awards 1897. It has since been revealed that his "wife" was none other than his mate from the pub, Jimmy 'Farter' Richards. They entered the competition as a drunken bet that went too far.

Never mind the tapioca, here's...

Can you spot the individual?
Yes that's right, they're all individuals.

Get Stuffed

Having your dead cat stuffed by a 'passive/agressive' taxidermist, can really bring character to the face of dearly departed "Tiddles".

A "Lenin on the rocks"

In Russia, this is how they drink cocktails.

Honesty

Pastor expressing the "Honesty", the congregating have demanded. They can't handle the truth.
(Nb, this is a joke!)

Why I love Glastonbury Tor

Here on Glastonbury Tor, in 1990, I stood as a new-age hippie,
wearing a tatty Hawkwind T-shirt, looking for King Arthur... (it's a long story).

I met Jesus Christ instead! He gave me life before death. How? See here

I know first hand, that God can reach you anywhere… ANYWHERE. 

Never forget that, my friend.

Coffee, Coffee, Coffee... Coffee, erm Coffee

Bought a Tassimo coffee maker...
love'in the Ristoretto Expressos, the only side-effect is...
I can't shut my eyes anymore.

The 'Fast' Show

Q. "What are you giving up for Lent?"

A. "LENT !"

"Whaaaaaat???? Filthy heretic, wash out your mind by thinking about a wire brush and soap!!!"

(so say's the local Cardinal)

New Mac OS announced.

Yes folks... you saw it here first...
get your app store account ready!

Integrity.

Integrity.
It costs nothing, yet it can cost you everything to keep it.
It costs you nothing, yet it can cost you everything if you lose it.

The eyes are the lamps of the body.

Future Tense? Yep!

If I seem a little strange, it's because I'm having a prophetic revelation and amnesia, at the same time.

Unorthodox Outreach

There are mysteries in life and things we see, that we may never understand... like this style of evangelism from Finland. God bless you 'Uncle Sam Patriot'. You're ahead of your time.

Strange Cultural Exports

"Socks n Sandals?.. YEAH!.. WOOOOOO !!!"
said Tom Cruise, who was visiting England, today.

Impetuous

When I got my copy of the mystery novel,
I couldn't wait to know what was going to happen in the end.
So I turned to the back page to read "The Butler did it !!!"

"Did what?" I thought.

50 Eye Lashes

It's ok if we don't understand something... the question is... how seriously do we really want to find out?... if we can't be bothered, we need to stop lashing out at others, at least.

A lift with Shep

"Do I go on here at the lights?"

"No, turn right here... sorry. Then it's about 100yds on the left... thanks."

Mad Mahdi Gras

Islamic Fundamentalists - more mentalists, than fun.

Michael Bublé

• The surname "Cooper" is descended from those that made barrels.
• The surname "Smith" is from those that were blacksmiths.
• The surname "Archer" is from those that could shoot a longbow.
• The surname "Fisher" is from the fishing occupation.
• The surname "Potter" is from the craft of making clay items.
• The surname "Clark" is from the accounting profession.
• The surname "Bublé" is from the inventor of Matey - the Hypoallergenic Bath time fun mixture.

...and that's a fact people...     ...bloke down the pub said!!!

I just had a sandwich

I just had a sandwich...

... if it wasn't for Facebook, no one would ever have known.

Meanwhile, back at the quiz show...

The scores are level as we enter the next round.

Ok... for 10 points, which synopsis of Yayoi Kusama's public installation "Ascension of Polkadots on the Trees" did the art critic for the guardian newspaper make at the Royal Society recently?

Was it ?

A) Kusama has produced a functionalist dreamscape, aggressively bringing into focus the media's dissemination of relativism against traditional morality. A triumph!!!

or

B) Her work manages to be both a post-modern eyesore and tedious comment of todays penchant for naively reenforcing ironic pastiche. 

BUZZ

Yes, that's Goldie, first on the buzzer!

"Gruff, gruuur, Wuff"

No, I'm sorry, the answer was A.
Your answer, B, was actually a quote from an episode of Coronation Street in 1979, when Ken Barlow discussed Hilda Ogden's front room Caribbean Mural. - Much to the amusement of Deirdre, I might add.

Ok... moving on... Particle Physics now - for 10 points can...

Neigh Sir!

I tell yer... I'm so hungry I could eat a horse...  oh hang on, wait a minute?

Maybe have a veggie alternative, like some Linda McCartney's Malaysian Poodle flavour 'sausages' or Kitten mix Qourn mince.

It's always got me wondering, why veggies eat something that simulates the texture and flavour of meat. Surely the bland taste of mung-beans or the watery nothing that is cucumber slices is enough for their conscience?

I think they should bring out a range of vegetable flavoured meats... for those that can't bring themselves to eat our green friends, but like the taste! -might take the idea to Dragon's Den?

Pearls before swine

Professor Scooby-Gandalf's Monday morning at college, starts with champagne and a song about the south of France - and you thought you weren't appreciated at work.

Fruit

Feeding the 5000...      ...in Costa Rica.

Well, to be honest, you had me at "**** off"

It's the year to film these sketches that have been sitting in nine notebooks and various bits of paper for 10 years.

I think there's a short film called the "Highway to Hull" to script properly, but the sketches? it's just a matter of "getting on with them"

Will people, like them?... ultimately, I don't really care... Will they be funny? ...don't know... Will they be thought provoking?... I hope so... Will they offend the church?... probably... Will they offend a secular society?... I seriously hope so!!!

The creative decisions for me, are a case of 'How far do I go?'
As a Christian, there will be a limit... but that's up to The Lord.

My gut feeling is, God wants to pick a fight!

Think for a minute - PLEASE... give it a try.

Education in the U.K.

Education Secretary Michael Gove has confirmed his plans to replace GCSEs with the English Baccalaureate have been scrapped, admitting the idea amounted to "one reform too many".

The real reason is no one could pronounce the word "Baccalaureate"

Move yer selves, move yer selves, move yer selves!!!

Iz the jungle getting to hot for you sonny jim? ...Oh dear, what a pity, never mind!

Meet the Jedi Family

Photographed with their pet Raven called Jed, meet Freddy Jedi and his three brothers, Teddy Jedi, Neddy Jedi and the youngest, Fasenglebertus-Whizzbang

Facewoof

"Tiddles the cat, wants to be my friend"

"Yeah, but you don't have to accept the invite you know"

Countenance

The past is gone and who knows if tomorrow will arrive.
All we have are moments... now.

...and just to ruin the profoundness of that statement here's a picture of a "gurner"

Second from Top Secret

"AREA 50.5" - not as interesting to UFO-hunter freaks, as it's nearby neighbour. "Not much really happens here" a spokesman said. "We had a pigeon loose in one of the secret hangers the other day... but that's about it really" - Just what are they hiding?

Wedgie Kray

Justice, at last, for the people of Midsomer Norton.

Moral dilemma No.7

Moral dilemma No.7:
It's Pizza... but it's a cat - Discuss.

Mr. Perry

"Where's Mr Perry? ...has anyone seen Mr Perry?
Have you seen what he's wearing.. flannel shirt and braces? and that 'tash - did he draw that on with a magic marker?
Why do you think he's such a miserable old git?"

Detente

Stop telling me what to do!!!
Stop telling us to stop telling you what to do!!!
Stop telling me to stop telling you, to stop telling me, what to do!!!
Stop telling... (well, you get the picture) Detente

Muse at ten

16 Jan 2013 14:06
Rylan Clark successfully leads revolution in the latest Celebrity Big Brother task. Weeeee.

No, he didn't get Speidi chucked out of the house (he wishes). Instead he and the housemates won a luxury shopping budget by overthrowing dictator Frankie Dettori

oh, in other news… In the first major ground operation in the conflict, French special forces have been fighting alongside Malian troops against Islamist rebels in street battles.

Also, more than 80 people have been killed by two blasts in the northern Syrian city of Aleppo, activists and officials say.

Still… good news about Rylan.

The 'Pride' of Lions

There were these two blokes in Africa. One goes up behind a Lion and kicks it up the backside. He then says to his mate "Quick RUUUUNNNNN".
His mate says "Why should I? I didn't kick it!"

Here's mud in your eye.

Believing is Seeing...

GREEDOM !!!

..."gay gill gever gake gowur GREEDOM!!!"