Jacob's Crackers

'Clownism' on the rise in the UK - (UPDATED)

UK Police crack down on clowns: Further to recent Government recommendations, police are now free to arrest anyone dressed as a clown, without a good reason. Special background checks are now being made. Also an "on the spot" test to see if alleged clowns are genuinely funny instead of petrifying young kids, is now in force.

Police are stopping any cars that look suspiciously like their doors or wheels are about to fall off.
Clowns are also banned from Homebase DIY stores. A spokesperson said "In our experience, Clowns and timber planks are a health and safety hazard."

Mr Jollyplops, a clown of over 30 years, said yesterday "This is blatant 'Clownism'. I'm constantly asked for I.D. when buying custard pies from Greggs the Bakers."

We wait to see, if these policies, improve variety acts in the U.K. There is talk in parliament now, of extending the measures to the people who paint themselves silver or gold and stand in high-streets as "living statues".

We will keep you updated...

UPDATE:
Since speaking out yesterday, Mr Jollyplops is now in hospital. Witnesses say, he was sent a large beautifully wrapped box, tied with a ribbon bow. After saying in a loud voice "Oh, I wonder what this could be?" he opened the lid of the box, thereupon being hit in the face with a large, spring-loaded, boxing glove. They also say that, at the time, a loud "boinggggg" sound was heard.

The assault was blamed on rival French Clowns, who's motto is "If laughter is the best medicine, try some of your own"

Police have asked any witnesses, to contact Detective Karl Lager. Detective Lager has a lot of experience in these matters, as he once founded and ran the "Karl Lager Ringpull Circus" in Belarus.

Plastic Knowledge

Scientists tend to boast their conclusions about our destination,
yet it is based on the blur of passing scenery.

Open Airways

British Airways are to ban eye shadow and mascara for male workers, BBC News reported today.
Steve Puncture (pictured below) lost his appeal in the high court last week. He is known to have fallen out with his bosses over the issue last July.

Captain Julio Biggles, a spokesman for B.A. said today, "Mr Puncture appears to have developed a growing 'persecution complex', that started when he first joined the company, at Passport Control. He refused to smile at any customers and blamed them, when he kept setting off the metal detectors."

Where's the Lion?

On tour...

All you Metallica fans are saying... 

"ok.... put em up!!! put em uuuurrrrrrppp!"

Meanwhile in Kansas

Somewhere over the rainbow ...hill

Rotten Tomato

Miss Betty Douffery is visiting a lawyer in New York, after her plastic surgery to look more like Lady Gaga "went awry".     ...I dunno though!

Going to the Gig

Steve (Doom-baron) Jenkins and his Dad, Gerald, on their way to the O2 Arena to see 'One Direction'. 

Doom-baron, likes Harry the best! He's hoping Harry will sign his chain-mail.

Meanwhile, his dad wants to learn the latest dance routines. Rumour has it, that he is wearing a  homemade Wonder Woman costume, under that green jacket. Steve Doom-baron, has always insisted that his dad wears the coat over it, when in public. This is because he felt his appearance would be "embarrassing" to say the least. - yeah, you tell him Steve Doom-baron.

That Big Red Button!

Oh, yeah, Mike, that big red button, DON'T press...   oh right... you've gone and pressed it!

Lager than Life?

Many things can be preserved by alcohol;
Life, however, is not on of them!

Having A "Blonde" Moment?

Dr. Who?

Dr. Who's real name? ...It's Bernie Tickle, of course. Everyone on Gallifrey knows that!

Bernie Tickle - Gallifreyan Postal Worker, now a self-styled "Time Lord".

That's Amazing

WOW !!! Just look at that... ...is that a diamond-back BMX?

Spot the healing evangelist.

Reap

We always hate the taste of our own medicine...

Pirates of Poole

Swanage: The Caribbean of Dorset

Mosh

The story of one man's tragic mission to Disco Dance at a Thrash Metal gig... now available on Amazon.

Party Town

yeah... whoooo.... Roll n Roll!!!

Free Drinks, right up until 5.30pm

Dron't Dink

If your car looks like this... don't drive home - get a taxi !!!

Who?

Be yourself... (the trick is to first find who that is)

Defending

Bernard Silverback and his red shorts. Defending bark-mulch islanders against Council lawnmowers, everywhere. Thank you Bernard Silverback.

Define "Normal"

What should be a normal... ...sometimes, isn't

Place Names

A picture of "Mount Warning" in Australia.
It is located near, "Mount Look, I won't tell you again!"

To The End

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

Ladies?

Well, hi there...

Star Trek Fans...

Trekkies... please just... don't

Path Vader

"I find your lack of "walkies", disturbing"

About-Face Painting

Face painting has always been popular with kids. It's now, also, becoming popular...

...with adults too.

One Nation, Under CCTV

Big Nutter is Watching You

Here's 21st Century Irony:
The increasingly unbridled surveillance of citizens, is for the protection of their "Freedom".

Succinct

It's very important to be clear on what you're trying to say. Like, just the other day, I was saying to what's his name... about... something... and it was just brilliant... especially when he said a really good thing in reply.

Ever Had Days Like This?

"The (un)Whole World is a Stage"

It is often said, "The Whole World is a Stage" ...well, when I "grow up", I want to be a prophetic heckler.

Even their questions are wrong!!!

Common nonSense

When my mum bought her first microwave oven, she switched it on, without putting anything in it.

I said "that can damage it mum, there needs to be something inside the microwave oven when it's on"
She replied, "Well, we're having a big chicken, so I just thought I'd get it warmed-up first"

Vanity Today

A man is in Yeovil Hospital tonight, due to an overdose of Botox injections, to his face.
When asked if the man's face had improved, Doctors replied that they had not seen any movement.

Bull Fighter

Happy St. Flobberlot Day, everybody...


Who? What? I dunno... I just made it up.

St. Flobberlot: Patron Saint of Pineapple Growers

"Patron" saints are not biblical...
What is biblical, is that ALL born-again Christians, are "Saints"!!!

Dangerous Sports

European 'Hide & Seek' Champion, Eric Bigbum, was found dead in his wardrobe today.
Police think he was in training for the World Championships in Mexico City next year.

He is due to be buried next week, in his hometown of Tenby, in Wales.
Mourners are requested, on the day, to count to 100 and then try to find out exactly where.

For Sale

For Sale £55: Wheel of Death. Only one careful owner.
Phone Steve Fish of, the now defunct variety act, "Fish & Chips" on 0176 237 7077

Poor Batman?

I feel sorry for Alfred actually... I mean every morning he has to go down to the Bat-cave and clean all the resident Bat-Poo off the Bat-Mobile.

Favourite Tim Vine Joke

I saw a goat with a beard, the other day... the beard was a "blokee"

Brian May, Landmark Award

Brian May, from the rock band Queen, is to have his hair designated as a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

His hair is one, of only three hairstyles, that can be seen from space. The others are Donald Trump and that lady from Trinity Broadcasting Network.

An official sign on Brian May's head, is to be publicly unveiled next week, by Malcolm Hebden, aka "Norris Cole" from Coronation Street.

"Congratulations Brian"

Malcolm (aka Norris) said today

Help, No Brakes

Ah... a "Penny Farthing" bicycle, from the late 19th century. 

Only a narcissistic muppet, up his own backside, would think it's "cool" to ride anything so ungainly today...

oh wait...      ...silly me...     ...a 'hipster"

Hoo doo pong?

Was that you?

(It's childish, I know)

Quo Vadis Domino?

Cardinal "Hey Now Just Be" Cool, on his way to the papal election, earlier this year. He got as far as Sidcup, but fancied getting a Pizza instead.

Discernment

So, what do YOU think?

X Factor

"It means the world to me, It means everything to me, It means the world to me, It means everything to me, It means the world to me, It means everything to me, It means the world to me, It means everything to me, It means the world to me, It means everything to me, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH"

Armchair Generals

Paintballers, try attaching a sponge, soaked in paint, onto the end of your airgun. That way, you'll have a handy 'bayonet' if you ever run out of ammo!

Last Google & Testament

People are increasingly placing content on social networks and data storage facilities hosted in cyberspace, or the "cloud". Internet users around the world have expressed concern about what happens to their data after their demise.

Some companies have attempted to tackle the questions that raises after a person's death. Facebook, as an example, allows users to "memorialise" an account. Also Google has recently launched a tool to determine data use after death. Users can choose to delete data after a set period of time, or pass it on to specific people.

"We hope that this new feature will enable you to plan your digital afterlife - in a way that protects your privacy and security - and make life easier for your loved ones after you're gone," Google recently said in a blogpost.

However, imagine if it caused a family rift and they all went to a probate lawyer to sort it out?
Imagine the scene:
"To Aunt Flossie, I leave my crap jokes; 
to Cousin Jake I leave my 'Spotify Favourite Playlists'; 
to Uncle Steve, I leave all my Facebook photographs of food."

Then Uncle Steve says "But I wanted his "about me" description and hobby list... it's just that it's more interesting than my life, right now!"

Personally, I intend to donate all these blog posts, to a "Home for abandoned Grumpy Cats"

Coping Mechanism

"Accountable? erm... Yes, ok, erm ...hang on a minute..."