Doing a few Schiz

Aren't AppleMacs a lifesaver... Phew, I nearly forgot.

JOKE!!!!

Life Has Won

Woolly Jumpers

Faith

"NO" - That's some people's mindset, before you even ask them a question!

The thing about "Faith" is, if you believe it's possible, or do not believe it's possible... in both cases, the consequence will be that you're right.

Are We Quick to Judge?

Proverbs 27:19
As in water face reflects face,
So a man’s heart reveals the man.

Proverbs 20:5
Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water,
But a man of understanding will draw it out.

Stealth Cake

I ate a whole "Stealth Cake" a couple of days ago... but it's only this morning, I realised!

Smash Up

The Chilcompton Brothers, were always up for a lively "moral debate"...
but each time they resorted to control and brutality, they automatically lost the argument.

When will they learn?

MORNING !!!

Proverbs 27:14

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning,

It will be counted a curse to him.

Dog of Steel

In line with all of the other Hollywood turkeys this summer, this movie is in cinemas, August 17th.
Be sure to see it... on DVD.

How to kill the film industry.

Knock It On The Head Mate!

Please join the "Free Jedward" campaign and stop this cruelty to selfishly ambitious, bland wannabes.

Please write to your local MP and stop the 
'Louie Walsh Carnival' coming to town.

Who Can You Trust?

Bravo C. Company still haven't got the knack of "mimicking natural surroundings for camouflage."

  

However, one of the team, only known as Bugs, said "most people take a few seconds to register that a 6ft bunny with a machine gun is raiding them. They cannot believe that something so cute could mean them harm... but that's just the time we need, to get the edge on any enemy."

Next, they plan to raid insurgents dens, dressed as Marcel Marceau. As soon as the enemy goes "oh no, not a bunch of Mime artists" - it's BANG... slotted!!!

It's a torchered logic I suppose. War is mad; unless your mad... and if you're not mad, it will soon make you mad. When you become mad... you need a war, to keep the maddening crowd occupied from thinking straight. (The worst "occupation" of all)

Typical, what started out as a joke has quickly turned more serious... like international political insults maybe?

Right... where's my Xbox?

MAAAA ... WANT MEATLOAF

"It's the mullet haircut and B.O. isn't it? ...hut-dang ...Chicks love the Mullet hair cut and B.O."
Taken from his new book "Pride and Extreme Prejudice" by Jed O'Hooligan (Appalachia's answer to Jane Austin)

Hokey Cokey

Fancy that... they've got one with "Jo's" name on it!

Out There...

"Mine is the Blog of One Typing in the Wilderness" (John The Methodist)

Corrie-sent to Coruscant

Malcome Hebden, who plays "Norris Cole" in UK soap, Coronation Street, is to be cast as Princess Leia's love interest in the new Star Wars film. Apparently Harrison Ford wasn't considered miserable enough...

naaa... sorry, made it up... was just bored.

The Rover's Return Pub from UK soap, 'Coronation Street' 
Some have compared it to the Cantina Scene in the 1st Star Wars Film

Stop Your Striving

Too many hats?

Holiness and Righteousness are inputed... because of what Jesus Christ did for us all, not earned by us, or via a transfusion of a dead "saint's" surplus virtue. (where's that in scripture?)

Works are evidence of our faith.

Let your good works be motivated out of thankfulness, love and because you heard the instruction from the Lord's heart. - because He is wonderful, brilliant.

If God hasn't asked it of you, please consider that it is also Obedience and Faith to NOT pursue it...
(Unless the Lord builds the house, the workers work in vain)
Alternatively, when God asks something of you... He'll equip you for it. Hence... His yoke is easy and His burden light.

Jesus only did that which He saw the Father doing and spoke that which He heard. (See John 5:19)

There is a difference between busyness and diligence. Which are you operating in today?
If it's busyness... lay it down and inquire of The Lord! If it's diligence, go for it with all you have! (Until God says otherwise)

"Jesus answered and said unto them, This is the work of God, that ye believe on him whom he hath sent." John 6:29

There you go! If you are born again into Jesus, you are doing the work of God!
Anything beyond this, needs to be the fruit of your relationship with Him.

Being Stirred

BE STILL!!! ye Storm (in a Teacup)

Between The Lines

A working relationship is built in trust and these ladies look like they are full of it, right now.
(you can read that sentence how you like)

Your Dream Coffee

Too much coffee can keep you awake. But when you finally do fall asleep, maybe you'd dream about your coffee? Why am I asking this? ...because it's 2am here and I can't sleep after all that coffee. 

Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee...          ?           Coffee.

A 'Dali Macchiato' Please

You're Never Too Old to Challenge B.S.

Tormented for years, Mr Simpson very nearly catches the "Phantom Penny Farthing Rider Of Whitley Bay". Foiled, only because he couldn't find his running shoes and had to make do with his wife's slippers.

Next time Mr Simpson... I'm sure you'll catch that swine!!!

The Tragedy of Oskar Spetsnaz

Oskar Spetsnaz still thinks his chat up line of "Hey Comb-Over to my place" whilst showing them his Bobby Charlton hairstyle, is hilarious to women.

"Women like a man with a sense of humour" he insists.

When will he learn that it is a misjudged conversational gambit, that is about as attractive as a Bulldog chewing a wasp.

Poor Oskar... trying to cover up, only increases the wrong sort of attention. Still, look on the positive side... at least it draws attention away from his enormous "potato shaped" purple nose.

St. Elmo's Fire

"Whoooooo... the ElmoNukeDriver... he ain't gettin up from that Bob!"
"Nope, it's goodnight Sesame Street, for poor Declan Dynamite, Harry"

What's the time Mr. Wolf?

The Pope, has had a lot to say, in Rome today. Here's a small excerpt:

"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, sapien platea morbi dolor lacus nunc, nunc ullamcorper. Felis aliquet egestas vitae, nibh ante quis quis dolor sed mauris. Erat lectus sem ut lobortis, adipiscing ligula eleifend, sodales fringilla mattis dui nullam. Ac massa aliquet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, sapien platea morbi dolor lacus nunc, nunc ullamcorper. Felis aliquet egestas vitae, nibh ante quis quis dolor sed mauris. Erat lectus sem ut lobortis, adipiscing ligula eleifend, sodales fringilla mattis dui nullam. Ac massa aliquet.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, sapien platea morbi dolor lacus nunc, nunc ullamcorper. Felis aliquet egestas vitae, nibh ante quis quis dolor sed mauris. Erat lectus sem ut lobortis, adipiscing ligula eleifend, sodales fringilla mattis dui nullam. Ac massa aliquet.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, sapien platea morbi dolor lacus nunc, nunc ullamcorper. Felis aliquet egestas vitae, nibh ante quis quis dolor sed mauris. Erat lectus sem ut lobortis, adipiscing ligula eleifend, sodales fringilla mattis dui nullam. Ac massa aliquet."

All I can say is, Thank God for William Tyndale!

Baal's Minions

This is for nothing! Just wait till you bloody do something!!!

Targeted

Here's a short film I made with poet Moya Boardman. She wrote and narrated the poem. Hope you like it.
Had lots of fun filming and editing this thing... hope to film some quick fire sketches very soon too.

SEE IT HERE

Poem written & read by Moya Boardman (c) 2013


Film by David Robinson, Moya Boardman & Jamie Oldham (c) 2013

The Doomsday Cuckoo Clock

5 to midnight.

So when it's time to go... please don't divorce the words I sow.
It's really hell without Jesus.

At some point... for everyone... it is the last days.

Carry On Geordie

When my mum moved back to the north east of England (Washington - the town where George Washington's grandparents were born) she moved into a bungalow (one story unit).

I remember the first time my wife and I drove from the West Country, up to the North to visit. She was very excited about being back in her home town and told us about all the people she'd met that she hadn't seen for many years.

She mentioned about an old bloke along the road, who knew her and my dad many years ago.
She had said to him that she "had just bought a detached-bungalow".
To which he replied "Well, I've got a 'semi' right now"

It's one of those moments, that if your brain is wired to see the funny side of that statement, you try your best not to laugh. I could hear Kenneth William's voice saying "ere, I've got a Semi" and then Barbara Winsor going "oooh, ha ha... cheeky" - Still... not appropriate, sorry I mentioned it really.
(But the true stories are usually the funniest)

The Return of Blood & Fire

Primitive Christianity, is the future.

"Ere, look out... she's got a tambourine and she's going to use it!"

Woo Flung Dung

True Story: Went for a Chinese meal a few weeks ago with about 8 other people. After the meal, a few people went to the toilet. Meanwhile, one of the friends started organising who had what, from the bill.
It kind of went along the lines of "You had a Number 47 and a 23, plus a glass of diet coke!..." etc etc.
When the people returned from the toilet, I tried not to laugh, but she said out loud, "Which one of you had a number 2?"

I know it's childish... but it was funny!

J Zed

Never mind the starving millions, never mind the innocent murdered by car-bombs in Iraq... JAY-Z has changed the spelling of his name, via deed-pole, by dropping the hyphen.
He's now to be known as JAY Z.
Well, whoopee ****!!!

Whilst the profoundness of this world-shattering-news, sinks in... it reminds me of another name change story. A few years ago a fella, went to the deed-pole offices to get his name officially altered.
The officer who met him, asked what his name currently was.

The guy said "My name's Phillip Fungalbutt"

The officer, trying not to laugh said, "Phillip Fungalbutt? Yes... I can see why you'd like to change your name. Now what would you like to change your name to sir?"

"Bernard!" he replied.

That was a joke... unfortunately JAY-Z's isn't. (Opps I spelt his name wrong... sorry JAY ? whatever.)

Chihuahua Dawn

Facelifts for Chihuahuas are becoming popular in Beverly Hills. Loaded film stars, (you know the sort), are splashing out $$$$$ to have their shivering minifreakdogs, operated on.

As many owners are opting for plastic surgery themselves, they don't want their Chihuahuas to feel "left out"...

...after all, you don't want an "ugly" one do you?

(Like they're not scared all the time, as it is)

Dogs looking like their owners? Lord help us! 

Crocs

Keep'in it surReal

... I have absolutely no explanation for this photo.

"Are you loathsome, tonight?"

WAR

"WAR!!! huhhh... What is it good for?"

(it's good for business)

Mrs Notfunnydave

Love ya Ness

xxx

Strange Days in Finland

Gotta love "Uncle Sam Patriot". Only he can post gospel messages in Finnish and English, while demonstrating... erm... er...

answers on a postcard please...

Pure Class!!!

I want a Tux like that when I get to heaven!

This is Norris McTreacle... News at Ten

Norris McTreacle and his wife Uhuru, posing for their Golden Anniversary.
Norris is a newsreader by profession, so assumed that the special photograph was to be taken from the waist, up.

Yankee Doodle Photobomb

"Sergeant Major Cody? Where's the Sarge? Anyone seen Him?... 
naww go ahead n take that there photograph Ed!"

Hint: lower left corner

On the canvas

When it came to public art... Goliath was such a Philistine!

A joke for Surrealists...

Here's a classic joke for Surrealists...

Fish !

Prophecy

God has given me the gift of Prophecy... next Thursday

Patience

I asked God to give me the gift of patience... that was 22 years ago!

Wooden stake through the heart?

The modern way to kill a vampire, is to swap their coffin, for a Sun-bed.

Why? because We've Always Done It.

Happy St. Haemorrhoids Day everybody.
It is one of those British traditions no one ever questions or knows how it came about. But still the nation is yoked with it.

It always starts by everyone standing for the national anthem. Not out of respect, but because it's painful for some and they want to be inclusive.

For readers in Japan, don't forget that next week is "National Banzai Day"... great fun watching businessmen rolling down a hill in a shopping trolley, dressed as samurai. 

Coming to a TV station near you soon...

and I thought my ideas were rubbish?

They've obviously copied my script for "Mackerelstrom II"  

Dance Vader

I find your lack of moves, disturbing.

That Joke Is Not Funny Anymore.

Meanwhile, in a Glastonbury High Street shop window...

New Age Bubble Wrap Therapy:

• Feel the Protection of being rolled in a Bubble Wrap womb.
• Partake in the Native American Shamanic Bubble Wrap Popping Lodge.
• Communal Drumming Rounds, Rain Sticks and Bubble Wrap Channeling.

Send £27.50 and receive your starter pack. (Postage & Packing included)

Sign on the door said "Just popped out for lunch".

Wrapping themselves in bubble wrap? ...I think they all need to be delivered!

What's Up Doc?

There's a man who goes to the doctor four times, every day.

After a month of this, his doctor says, "Look, I have to say, it's obvious to me that you are massive hypochondriac!!!"

The fella says, "Oh no... not that as well?"

"Nurse, if you've got my thermometer, 

where's my fountain pen?"

Joke Wasted

Visitor: "So do you play guitar in a band?"

Me: "No, never been in a band."

Visitor: "Really?"

Me: "No, never"

Visitor: "Are you adamant?"

Me: "NO WAY... ha ha"

Visitor: "Oh, so you have been in a band?"

Me: "What? no wait... you see... (sigh) never mind"

(True conversation)

The World is Flat

"The world is flat"?... the scientists disagree! Yes... Ok. However some of their other "conclusions" about our origins and "universe" are on the same level as saying "The world is flat".

The Red (nosed) Baron

Sometimes airline pilots have to stop and humble themselves, when they lock the keys in the plane and are caught on CCTV, up a 50ft stepladder, trying to get back in with a coat-hanger.

That's budget flights for ya... the last one I was on, (O'Hooligan Air) had an outside toilet and the interior had wallpaper.

The first announcement from the cockpit was "Good afternoon, this is your Captain speaking..." - but that was it... didn't hear a peep out of him, after that.

Then the safety briefing was basically "In the event of a crash, drinks will be served, raaaaaay"