"In the Navy...."

"oooh, I say... ...hello Sailor..."

"Shut it Chang, or I'll have you on guard duty for the rest of the week!!!"

Agro-nostic

I've never met Richard Dawkins, therefore he doesn't exist!

Dog Fancy

"Ok, in the final round... all level here. For 10 points, can you tell me the name of the Oswald Chambers classic, used for personal devotions, since the turn of the last century?"

(BUZZ)

"Yes, that's Tyson first on the buzzer"

Tyson: "Wulpf Wulpf OOOOrh Wuf"

"ahhh, No, I'm sorry Tyson, 'Monster Fun Comic' is not the answer I was looking for. The correct answer was, "My utmost, for His highest"

"Ok, for another 10 points, what is the "ubiquitous cultural paradigm shift" declared by Norman Mailer in the summer of 1976?"

Peace, Love and Mung Beans

"What we need is a great big melting pot 

Big enough to take the world and all it's got 

And keep it stirring for a hundred years or more 

And turn out coffee coloured people by the score"

Could we make it a Decaff please! - Otherwise, you are all going to really get on my nerves.

An apology

An Apology

This blog post was meant to be here, last week.

Popular U.K. tourist destinations

No.4: The Santander ATM, in Trowbridge, Wiltshire.

Photo (c) Tim Cassidy 2010

Meanwhile... in Syria

"owww.... chaaa'mone"

Need a Mortgage?

A name you can trust...

Sonic Tabasco

The Shaggs... if you have never heard them before, you're in for a treat... I think.

This is what happens when a father, ambitious for his three daughters to be the new beatles, buys them instruments and studio time. The funny thing about this real band from the late 60's is that it's not a joke.

It's pure tortured genius!!!

The full album is here.

My favourite tracks are Track 2 "That little sports car" and Track 6 "I'm so happy when you're near'

Your mindset

Consider a field with a scarecrow and a flock of hungry crows sitting on the boundary fence.

The scarecrow in the field can be seen by the crows in two ways, either:

1/ it's a frightening thing, an ominous figure that induces terror.

2/ it's a dead giveaway that there's a load of food there; else why would it need protecting?

It all DEPENDS on how one would interpret the SAME circumstance.

Silicon Fish and Chips

UPDATE 4th July 2013: It was meant to be a joke, but apparently the app is being developed?
See HERE... What the?


The new SMART-Rz 3 smart phone, has just been released by Hermit Tech.
It features a conversational App that let's you ask the phone questions, where upon it replies with sarcasm.

There are four sarcasm settings installed with the "SARCASM" app, ranging from
1. "Passive/Aggressive" mode
2. "Oh you're not going out dressed like that are you?" mode
3. "School bully" mode
4. "Vitriolic Verbal Abuse" mode

I tried the phone on setting three. When I asked it how to get to London, it replied "check out google you knob... I may be a smart-rz phone but I wish the people who bought them weren't so ****ing thick? - it's enough to plug into "skynet" and nuke the lot of yer."
I asked it to then "bring up google" for me, where upon it told me to go away (well, not in those exact words) as it "was reading an amusing article by Alan Bennett?"

You can only imagine what setting four is like. I must admit, hat's off to Hermit Tech, because it IS realistic, as I know a few people like this!

On a lighter note, Hermit Tech, tell us that you can down load the voices of your favourite celebrity, like Jeremy Clarkson, Ozzy Osbourne, Simon Cowell or Yoda.
The rear has a 13 megapixel patented"DUCKFACE" camera, while the user-facing camera captures pictures at 0.2  megapixels. (not so good) The phone weighs 130g, and is 7.9mm thick - making it slightly lighter and thinner than the SMART Rz 2.

As predicted by several industry experts before the event, most of the presentation focused on the phone's software rather than hardware. The creator of the "SARCASM" app, John Hermit said in response "Ohhhh GREAT, that's just terrific, I'm soooooo happy about that!"

As smart technologies move ever closer to real human behaviour, spies at Hermit Tech tell us that a SMART Rz Touch Pad is in development... with the rumoured new "ATTITUDE" app.
The idea is that the software will REFUSE to do what you ask of it. - Hang on... didn't windows XP have that function for years?

The SMART Rz 3 - available today

"What is it to gain the whole world, but loose your soul?"

Mick Jagger has another fresh shart in life.

Borrowed  Time Gentlemen, please!

Bike !

This is either, a very clever piece of Landscape ART, or the adventures of some cyclist coming home from the pub, along a wet concrete path.

Indulgence

The Fiat 'Conclave' was a limited edition car.
Only 115 were ever made and only came in Cardinal red.
They were never that popular. Also the manuals was printed in Latin.
Sales of the rival Vauxhall Tyndale, were more popular with the public at the time; although many people today have never heard of it. Which is a shame, as the vehicle was far more accessible and the manual was printed in a multi-language format.
Fiat, however, invested in a lot of advertising; which gave the impression it was a more powerful product. They are currently voting on a new CEO at the moment.

Astronomical Fees

I booked a trip to Mars, but it was cancelled because of poor admin...
who do I call to get my money back?

Why James Dunstan: Space Lawyer, of course... duh.

Knock Knock... who's there?

Wanting to trust everyone is a loving and noble hope.
but don't neglect wisdom...      ....not everyone is trustworthy!

"Be as wise as serpents, harmless as doves"

Picture of Bella Lugosi, 
"photoshopped" by David Robinson March 2013

Obama: The truth at last

There has been much speculation and conspiracy theories regarding the validity of President Barack Obama's birth certificate, over the years. Today, it has been uncovered that Barack Obama's real name was in fact Jim Kelly.

You may have seen him, before his current job, in movies such as "Enter the Dragon" and "Black Belt Jones".

Mercs, ain't got time for that!

Cornflakes??? Cornflakes??? ...Ha !

Man ...I eat cornflakes for breakfast!!!

Toaster Gospel

Finland's "Uncle Sam Patriot" has made a great little vid here... he manages to evangelise using a toaster!!! Gotta love this guy! God bless you man!

Be thou my television

The people perish through a lack of tele-Vision... but then again... thank Cowell... X Factor is on... that should keep the masses distracted for another working week.
The rats have taken over the lab.

A true "reality show" would reveal that the world is drowning, not waving...
...drowning in such a shallow place.

Farside Cartoon by Glen Larson

Death-star

Disney and George Lucas are considering signing Kim Jong Un for the part of Luke Skywalker in the new Starwars film.
Kim Jong Un's agent Mr Pong E Dung has said in a statement: "Glorious leader had this photo done recently... and all the people fink he look like that Luke bloke from Starwars film, init? 
Glorious leader, is confident of getting part in new film as he has great acting skills an also a nuclear weapon."

Facebag

How shy people met each other, before the Internet and Facebook

Dick Dorkins

The real reason the T-Rex had short arms is...
...it was on the ole playstation too much!

Foot & Mouth disease

When driving on motorways, have you ever seen a single shoe in the hard shoulder or verge?

Well, at last, here is proof of who has been throwing only a single shoe out of a passing car window. Do you know this man? Does he work for a shoe shop near you? That would explain why they only have one shoe instead of a pair, on the display stands. Is this man disposing of the other display shoes? Who is he working for? Is there a conspiracy?

Who cares!

A load of Kung Poo

This is old, but still hilarious!

Commie-dian

Associated Press has tracked down the long lost brother of Ronald McDonald.

It turns out that Donald McDonald has been working most of his life as a ticket salesmen in Northern Belarus, for the 'Karl Lager Ringpull Circus'. Donald was discovered by accident, when a passing reporter asked to take his photograph. The Reporter asked him if he had heard of his famous brother? He replied, "Niet English... that is Ten Rubles for photo"

A Ronald McDonald press officer said, "Ronald is so very pleased about the news, he cannot appear today, as all his tears of joy have made his make-up run everywhere".
He has personally sent Donald a 20% off voucher for a happy meal and a plastic toy of "ham-burglar".

Donald, pictured here, overjoyed at receiving
his happy meal voucher and plastic toy

Not a happy, future, despot.

Emperor Palpatine, future ruler of the Galactic Empire, as a kid, being woken up early.

Tarzan being indecisive again...

"ARRRRRR - AR - AAARRRRR - A - ...Erm..."

Hmmmmm

Insincere cat is "reeeeeally interested in what you're saying"

Rama-dan-a-ding-dong

"okay... Smile!!!"

Temperance

Georgie Simpson shows off his cup and medal for winning best happily married couple at the London Temperance Society's Awards 1897. It has since been revealed that his "wife" was none other than his mate from the pub, Jimmy 'Farter' Richards. They entered the competition as a drunken bet that went too far.

Never mind the tapioca, here's...

Can you spot the individual?
Yes that's right, they're all individuals.

Get Stuffed

Having your dead cat stuffed by a 'passive/agressive' taxidermist, can really bring character to the face of dearly departed "Tiddles".

A "Lenin on the rocks"

In Russia, this is how they drink cocktails.

Honesty

Pastor expressing the "Honesty", the congregating have demanded. They can't handle the truth.
(Nb, this is a joke!)

Why I love Glastonbury Tor

Here on Glastonbury Tor, in 1990, I stood as a new-age hippie,
wearing a tatty Hawkwind T-shirt, looking for King Arthur... (it's a long story).

I met Jesus Christ instead! He gave me life before death. How? See here

I know first hand, that God can reach you anywhere… ANYWHERE. 

Never forget that, my friend.

Coffee, Coffee, Coffee... Coffee, erm Coffee

Bought a Tassimo coffee maker...
love'in the Ristoretto Expressos, the only side-effect is...
I can't shut my eyes anymore.

The 'Fast' Show

Q. "What are you giving up for Lent?"

A. "LENT !"

"Whaaaaaat???? Filthy heretic, wash out your mind by thinking about a wire brush and soap!!!"

(so say's the local Cardinal)

New Mac OS announced.

Yes folks... you saw it here first...
get your app store account ready!

Integrity.

Integrity.
It costs nothing, yet it can cost you everything to keep it.
It costs you nothing, yet it can cost you everything if you lose it.

The eyes are the lamps of the body.

Future Tense? Yep!

If I seem a little strange, it's because I'm having a prophetic revelation and amnesia, at the same time.

Unorthodox Outreach

There are mysteries in life and things we see, that we may never understand... like this style of evangelism from Finland. God bless you 'Uncle Sam Patriot'. You're ahead of your time.

Strange Cultural Exports

"Socks n Sandals?.. YEAH!.. WOOOOOO !!!"
said Tom Cruise, who was visiting England, today.

Impetuous

When I got my copy of the mystery novel,
I couldn't wait to know what was going to happen in the end.
So I turned to the back page to read "The Butler did it !!!"

"Did what?" I thought.

50 Eye Lashes

It's ok if we don't understand something... the question is... how seriously do we really want to find out?... if we can't be bothered, we need to stop lashing out at others, at least.

A lift with Shep

"Do I go on here at the lights?"

"No, turn right here... sorry. Then it's about 100yds on the left... thanks."

Mad Mahdi Gras

Islamic Fundamentalists - more mentalists, than fun.

Michael Bublé

• The surname "Cooper" is descended from those that made barrels.
• The surname "Smith" is from those that were blacksmiths.
• The surname "Archer" is from those that could shoot a longbow.
• The surname "Fisher" is from the fishing occupation.
• The surname "Potter" is from the craft of making clay items.
• The surname "Clark" is from the accounting profession.
• The surname "Bublé" is from the inventor of Matey - the Hypoallergenic Bath time fun mixture.

...and that's a fact people...     ...bloke down the pub said!!!

I just had a sandwich

I just had a sandwich...

... if it wasn't for Facebook, no one would ever have known.

Meanwhile, back at the quiz show...

The scores are level as we enter the next round.

Ok... for 10 points, which synopsis of Yayoi Kusama's public installation "Ascension of Polkadots on the Trees" did the art critic for the guardian newspaper make at the Royal Society recently?

Was it ?

A) Kusama has produced a functionalist dreamscape, aggressively bringing into focus the media's dissemination of relativism against traditional morality. A triumph!!!

or

B) Her work manages to be both a post-modern eyesore and tedious comment of todays penchant for naively reenforcing ironic pastiche. 

BUZZ

Yes, that's Goldie, first on the buzzer!

"Gruff, gruuur, Wuff"

No, I'm sorry, the answer was A.
Your answer, B, was actually a quote from an episode of Coronation Street in 1979, when Ken Barlow discussed Hilda Ogden's front room Caribbean Mural. - Much to the amusement of Deirdre, I might add.

Ok... moving on... Particle Physics now - for 10 points can...

Neigh Sir!

I tell yer... I'm so hungry I could eat a horse...  oh hang on, wait a minute?

Maybe have a veggie alternative, like some Linda McCartney's Malaysian Poodle flavour 'sausages' or Kitten mix Qourn mince.

It's always got me wondering, why veggies eat something that simulates the texture and flavour of meat. Surely the bland taste of mung-beans or the watery nothing that is cucumber slices is enough for their conscience?

I think they should bring out a range of vegetable flavoured meats... for those that can't bring themselves to eat our green friends, but like the taste! -might take the idea to Dragon's Den?

Pearls before swine

Professor Scooby-Gandalf's Monday morning at college, starts with champagne and a song about the south of France - and you thought you weren't appreciated at work.

Fruit

Feeding the 5000...      ...in Costa Rica.

Well, to be honest, you had me at "**** off"

It's the year to film these sketches that have been sitting in nine notebooks and various bits of paper for 10 years.

I think there's a short film called the "Highway to Hull" to script properly, but the sketches? it's just a matter of "getting on with them"

Will people, like them?... ultimately, I don't really care... Will they be funny? ...don't know... Will they be thought provoking?... I hope so... Will they offend the church?... probably... Will they offend a secular society?... I seriously hope so!!!

The creative decisions for me, are a case of 'How far do I go?'
As a Christian, there will be a limit... but that's up to The Lord.

My gut feeling is, God wants to pick a fight!

Think for a minute - PLEASE... give it a try.

Education in the U.K.

Education Secretary Michael Gove has confirmed his plans to replace GCSEs with the English Baccalaureate have been scrapped, admitting the idea amounted to "one reform too many".

The real reason is no one could pronounce the word "Baccalaureate"

Move yer selves, move yer selves, move yer selves!!!

Iz the jungle getting to hot for you sonny jim? ...Oh dear, what a pity, never mind!