When ENOUGH, is too much
Wednesday, 19 June 2013
Tuesday, 18 June 2013
007
I remember taking my mum to watch the James Bond movie "Casino Royale".
It's about 180 minutes long... full of action, romance, gadgets and stunts.
When It finished, I asked my mum "What did you think of the movie? Did you think it was good?"
She said "Yes... u-huh..."
Then after a long pause added, "Which one was James Bond?"
Doh! - you can't make this sort of thing, up.
Monday, 17 June 2013
Science Fiction
The Cult of Ron Hubbard,
went to the cupboard,
to get his poor dogs a bone.
But when he got there,
The cupboard was NOT bare,
...in fact, it was full of skeletons.
went to the cupboard,
to get his poor dogs a bone.
But when he got there,
The cupboard was NOT bare,
...in fact, it was full of skeletons.
B.S. baffles brains
There's Somebody At The Door...
What Rod Hull and Emu never knew, was that behind all the public horribleness,
Grotbags just needed to be loved, too.
Grotbags just needed to be loved, too.
Bear with someone else today
Bear with someone else today
Colossians 3:13
"...bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do."
Sunday, 16 June 2013
Saturday, 15 June 2013
Alien Abduction Leaked Report
New classified report from London, of an alleged Alien Abduction, has been leaked to the public.
Mr Ivan Prunes apparently gave an eyewitness account last year, of how he was involved in, what he claims was a real life "alien abduction". The statement was suppressed, possibly due to a concern that it would adversely affect the London Olympics.
The Witness Statement Is As Follows:
JUNE 10TH 2012. 11.30PM
Unknown Interviewer:
"So Ivan, tell us in your own words, what occurred during this alien abduction experience?"
Ivan Prunes:
"Well... I was driving, late at night, in my ford transit van, with my mate Steve. We were heading towards east London. We pulled up to some traffic lights, when we saw this strange, green figure at the bus stop. As we sat there, the figure seemed to be only about 4ft tall and wore a silver cloak. It had large red eyes and was obviously not of this world."
Unknown Interviewer:
"So it was definitely an alien creature?"
Ivan Prunes:
"Yes, it was a horrible looking thing. Never seen anything like it before!"
Unknown Interviewer:
"So when did the alien abduction take place?"
Ivan Prunes:
"Well Steve got out of the van and approached the green alien creature. It held out a weird looking device and seemed to be attempting to communicate with Steve. So Steve grabbed him, I got out the van as well and we both threw it in the back of the van. Then we drove away! It's now in a "lock-up" in Ealing... you know... one of those "Big Yellow Door" ones!!!"
Unknown Interviewer:
"(SIGH)"
...END OF INTERVIEW...
Mr Ivan Prunes apparently gave an eyewitness account last year, of how he was involved in, what he claims was a real life "alien abduction". The statement was suppressed, possibly due to a concern that it would adversely affect the London Olympics.
The Witness Statement Is As Follows:
JUNE 10TH 2012. 11.30PM
"So Ivan, tell us in your own words, what occurred during this alien abduction experience?"
Ivan Prunes:
"Well... I was driving, late at night, in my ford transit van, with my mate Steve. We were heading towards east London. We pulled up to some traffic lights, when we saw this strange, green figure at the bus stop. As we sat there, the figure seemed to be only about 4ft tall and wore a silver cloak. It had large red eyes and was obviously not of this world."
Unknown Interviewer:
"So it was definitely an alien creature?"
Ivan Prunes:
"Yes, it was a horrible looking thing. Never seen anything like it before!"
Unknown Interviewer:
"So when did the alien abduction take place?"
Ivan Prunes:
"Well Steve got out of the van and approached the green alien creature. It held out a weird looking device and seemed to be attempting to communicate with Steve. So Steve grabbed him, I got out the van as well and we both threw it in the back of the van. Then we drove away! It's now in a "lock-up" in Ealing... you know... one of those "Big Yellow Door" ones!!!"
Unknown Interviewer:
"(SIGH)"
...END OF INTERVIEW...
"What planet are you on man?"
Unpredic table
I bought an "Occasional Table" from Ikea last weekend. When I needed it for guests arriving, it suddenly wasn't a table at all. Not worth it... they're too unpredictable!
Friday, 14 June 2013
Euroquiz
Tonight at 7.30pm on SKY Arts.
EUROQUIZ:
the gameshow where the contestants only answer the questions they have written themselves.
In other EU news:
MEP Nigel Farage is being tipped to becoming the next EU president, when Hermen Van Rompoy steps down.
Mr Farage, of UKIP, responded with "I've got two words to say to that... and the second word is off".
Thursday, 13 June 2013
Doing Jackie Chan's Head In
Doing Jackie Chan's Head In:
Jackie Chan is good at Kung Fu, but did you know that thinking about mathematics "does his head in"?
We asked him. Jackie Chan replied "Waaaa, Mathematics, it do my head in"
See, that proves it!
Jackie Chan is good at Kung Fu, but did you know that thinking about mathematics "does his head in"?
We asked him. Jackie Chan replied "Waaaa, Mathematics, it do my head in"
See, that proves it!
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
Oompa loompas on strike.
Union Boss Tricky Snoscumber and members, are currently picketing outside the Wonka's Chocolate Factory gates.
Oompa loompa's are very unhappy about new owner, Charlie Bucket's recent changes to the company. The final straw is that, this year, many workers are to be laid-off, after new automated systems are installed. The only statement from the Bucket management is "The factory is a dangerous place! I personally witnessed a number of accidents on my first ever tour of the place. Wonka was totally oblivious to the many health and safety issues here."
However, rumour has it that CEO Bucket holds suspicions about the Oompa Loompa's personal hygiene. Secret recordings reveal him saying "All those creepy mini-men, working near the chocolate waterfall and chocolate river all day... they're hardly going to go out and down the corridor for a p*** are they?"
Tricky Snoscumber interjected "The official line is that Mr Wonka "Gave" the factory to this Bucket kid, as part of some competition? Yeah, right ! The workforce think that's ********!!! One minute he and his Grandpa are having a basic tour of the factory, the next there's an aggressive takeover - a blackmail scam probably."
The animosity to the Bucket family increased, when the grandparents moved their big bed on to the main factory floor. "They just sit there in bed, staring all day - It really freaks us all out. They refuse to get up and help in any way." Mr Snoscumber said.
Grandpa Joe's influence in the factory is a large cause of the unrest. A worker, who didn't want to be identified, believes him to be guilty of Oompa Loombarism! He said "I once overheard him screeching at a fellow worker, saying we all had 'really bad fake tans' and our hair reminded him of his 'late wife's blue-rinse, gone wrong'! He thinks he's got a golden ticket, to say what he likes. Bring back Mr Wonka, I say." If that wasn't enough, Grandpa Joe was seen attending this years Bilderberger Conference for the second year running.
The union has written to Charlie Bucket, declaring that "all the Oompa Loompas smell a rat!"
We put that to Mr Bucket, who replied "surely there must be something better they could smell, than that?"
"Well, That's typical" Mr Snoscumber said. He then returned to the picket line, to sing a song and do a little synchronised dance, with the others....
...the dispute goes on.
Oompa loompa's are very unhappy about new owner, Charlie Bucket's recent changes to the company. The final straw is that, this year, many workers are to be laid-off, after new automated systems are installed. The only statement from the Bucket management is "The factory is a dangerous place! I personally witnessed a number of accidents on my first ever tour of the place. Wonka was totally oblivious to the many health and safety issues here."
Not so sweet these days!
What really happened?
The animosity to the Bucket family increased, when the grandparents moved their big bed on to the main factory floor. "They just sit there in bed, staring all day - It really freaks us all out. They refuse to get up and help in any way." Mr Snoscumber said.
Grandpa Joe's influence in the factory is a large cause of the unrest. A worker, who didn't want to be identified, believes him to be guilty of Oompa Loombarism! He said "I once overheard him screeching at a fellow worker, saying we all had 'really bad fake tans' and our hair reminded him of his 'late wife's blue-rinse, gone wrong'! He thinks he's got a golden ticket, to say what he likes. Bring back Mr Wonka, I say." If that wasn't enough, Grandpa Joe was seen attending this years Bilderberger Conference for the second year running.
The union has written to Charlie Bucket, declaring that "all the Oompa Loompas smell a rat!"
We put that to Mr Bucket, who replied "surely there must be something better they could smell, than that?"
"Well, That's typical" Mr Snoscumber said. He then returned to the picket line, to sing a song and do a little synchronised dance, with the others....
...the dispute goes on.
"May The Rocks Cover Us"
Bugarach, a tiny farming village (population: 200) in the southwest of France, was inundated with New Agers, UFO- enthusiasts, and other ‘esoterics’ last year. They believed it was the only place on earth that will be safe from the ‘Apocalypse’ — which they expected to take place on December 21st 2012.
According to them aliens waiting inside the mountain were to rescue them in their space ships.
The mayor was concerned, that locals were renting out their homes to those seeking salvation.
However, he said, "If the world is going to end... where better than the south of France be?"
Well Disneyland perhaps? Either way, you'd be in a place of make-believe!
Here's truth however...
"Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will by no means pass away. But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, but My Father only."
Matthew 24:35-36
According to them aliens waiting inside the mountain were to rescue them in their space ships.
The mayor was concerned, that locals were renting out their homes to those seeking salvation.
However, he said, "If the world is going to end... where better than the south of France be?"
Well Disneyland perhaps? Either way, you'd be in a place of make-believe!
However since 21st December 2012, they've all gone really quiet. (Until the next time)
Here's truth however...
"Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will by no means pass away. But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, but My Father only."
Matthew 24:35-36
Monday, 10 June 2013
Dino deWalnut's Monster Production
Dino deWalnut is directing the new musical adaptation of 70's movie "Warlords of Atlantis".
The production has cast the part, originally played by Doug McClure, to Donnie Osmond.
The musical score includes favourite songs like, "Octopus, Big Octopus"', "Get Back Down Crazy Monster", "Diving Bell Blues" and "It Ain't No Fun, When You Smell Of Fish".
Tickets will be made available shortly. Be sure to avoid it, like the plague.
The production has cast the part, originally played by Doug McClure, to Donnie Osmond.
The musical score includes favourite songs like, "Octopus, Big Octopus"', "Get Back Down Crazy Monster", "Diving Bell Blues" and "It Ain't No Fun, When You Smell Of Fish".
Tickets will be made available shortly. Be sure to avoid it, like the plague.
Dino DeWalnut Look'in Snappy Today
All that glitters, is not gold
70's glam-rock sin(g)er, Gary Glitter, is set to join the R.C. priesthood*. He has asked to be stationed at a diocese in Thailand. The Vatican press office have issued a statement welcoming the move. "Due to recent bad press about despicable, abusive and evil behaviour, Mr Glitter should bring something new to the office."
Speculation says that The Pope has been singing "D'you wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang...I'm the leader, I'm the leader..." first thing in the morning.
Speculation says that The Pope has been singing "D'you wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang...I'm the leader, I'm the leader..." first thing in the morning.
Gary Glitter, pictured here, is said to be thrilled.
Meanwhile, the Congregation For The Doctrine Of The Faith, continue to claim that Roman Catholicism is the "one true church" and the "last bastion for morality." - They used to torture and burn alive anyone who disagreed with this... nowadays, they claim to abhor the abuse of the innocent, yet merely shuffle, the guilty to other locations.
*Apologies if the above satire offends some readers... however, if you want to get really angry about something, how about the reality of the issue; hypocrisy, betrayal of trust, abuse of power, injustice. They WILL be called to account. As will we, if we condone any abuse, by our silence!
Check your wristbands... What Would Jesus Do? After all, we are all accountable to Him, not the pope.
Check your wristbands... What Would Jesus Do? After all, we are all accountable to Him, not the pope.
Eurocorps
Ever wondered why your national armed forces are being stripped back, under funded and merged?
Coincidentally, enter Eurocorps... the European Standing Army, instigated in the guise of a "Rapid reaction force" - coming to a town near you soon - especially if you upset Strasbourg.
Coincidentally, enter Eurocorps... the European Standing Army, instigated in the guise of a "Rapid reaction force" - coming to a town near you soon - especially if you upset Strasbourg.
10 stars?
So, when your national armed forces can't cope with the next "world crisis" - who can we call?... der der der der der der deeeerrrr.... why Eurocorps of course! - Thank you "Eurocorps".
Sunday, 9 June 2013
Wolverine Competition
With the July release of movie "The Wolverine", Marvel are running a competition to win a Bidet featured in the movie and signed by Hugh Jackman. It appears as part of, Marvel Mogul, Stan Lee's cameo sequence - but... 'say no more', that's getting into the realm of spoilers.
To win this signed Bidet, you have to answer the following question:
Which other famous marvel character, from the list below, hasn't had a lucrative movie "cash-in" yet?
A) Thor
B) Spiderman
C) Ironman
D) Fantastic Four
E) Quite Interesting Man
F) The Incredible Hulk
Editor's note:
For those that said to themselves "oh... actually The Fantastic Four are a Team of characters"
... never mind, it really doesn't matter ...does it?
To win this signed Bidet, you have to answer the following question:
Which other famous marvel character, from the list below, hasn't had a lucrative movie "cash-in" yet?
A) Thor
B) Spiderman
C) Ironman
D) Fantastic Four
E) Quite Interesting Man
F) The Incredible Hulk
Editor's note:
For those that said to themselves "oh... actually The Fantastic Four are a Team of characters"
... never mind, it really doesn't matter ...does it?
Saturday, 8 June 2013
NO sympathy for the devil
The original "rolling stone" was seen just before Jesus arose from the dead!
The Tourist II
The Tourist II, begins filming this week.
Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie have turned down the parts for the sequel to The Tourist.
Instead Timothy Spall and Maggie Smith have been cast in the lead roles. This time the plot centres around a family on holiday in Ibiza... when after a misunderstanding, all sorts of car chases and shenanigans take place. But in the end it's all ok!
Wow... now that's something we haven't seen from Hollywood before!
Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie have turned down the parts for the sequel to The Tourist.
Instead Timothy Spall and Maggie Smith have been cast in the lead roles. This time the plot centres around a family on holiday in Ibiza... when after a misunderstanding, all sorts of car chases and shenanigans take place. But in the end it's all ok!
Wow... now that's something we haven't seen from Hollywood before!
Friday, 7 June 2013
Bob Ross R.I.P.
Watching classic episodes of Bob Ross "The joy of painting" - Great painting teacher, but can't help imagine, he might have been smacked up to his eyeballs, sometimes?
(c) Rap
The wonders of D.I.Y. Rap/Love songs... Don't know if this would be received as a romantic gesture or sarcasm. Whilst applauding "D4nny's" effort... sorry, it's unintentionally hilarious!!!
D4NNY - "Amazing Person On My Mind "
(Official Music Video)
Thursday, 6 June 2013
Could I just disturb you, for a minute, please?
So... suddenly, there's a creepy kid, in the corridor of an unoccupied house?
... Nighty Night... sleep well everybody.
"ABBA not getting back together"
Agnetha from Swedish legends ABBA has rejected rumours that the band is about to re-form.
The rumour was that they were going to play a medley of their hits from the roof of an Ikea store. She said she has "no plans to sing again - that would be unrealistic".
Instead she aims to develop her Troll-Safari business for Norwegian holiday makers.
The rumour was that they were going to play a medley of their hits from the roof of an Ikea store. She said she has "no plans to sing again - that would be unrealistic".
Instead she aims to develop her Troll-Safari business for Norwegian holiday makers.
Agnetha perplexed by rumours about ABBA today.
- All the best with the Troll Hunting Agnetha!
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Passiveness
All the family are together for Jimmy's birthday. Not wanting to cause offence or upset to Uncle Norris, they take the photo, out of the way. Norris was showing support for Jimmy, by merrily chugging away on a Tenants Extra in the background.
All the family thought it was selfish of him, but they didn't say anything.
By all means be, proactively, kind... but being just "nice", when loving confrontation is needed, is cowardice.
All the family thought it was selfish of him, but they didn't say anything.
By all means be, proactively, kind... but being just "nice", when loving confrontation is needed, is cowardice.
Tuesday, 4 June 2013
Piddle Earth
Some of the applicants responding to a BBC Somerset Radio appeal, for local Elvis impersonators. Unfortunately the radio announcer had a speech impediment that "slurred" the name Elvis to Elvis'h.
Not a happy bunch of "legends in their own minds"
Monday, 3 June 2013
Have You Seen This Man?
Yeah, like that helps...
Apparently, Police are looking for a "Bee Gee in a sun hat"
Apparently, Police are looking for a "Bee Gee in a sun hat"
The Cyprus Job
The prophets raise the alarm...
but the world leaders, still in bed together, roll over to press the 'snooze button'.
but the world leaders, still in bed together, roll over to press the 'snooze button'.
When you take something that doesn't belong to you...
...it's called "Theft"
...it's called "Theft"
Sunday, 2 June 2013
The Vatican't
"Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven."
Matthew 23:9
Economy of Motion
Here's a handy tip for you all... save doing unnecessary ironing by putting on your shirt and tucking it into your trousers. Then, draw a line around the shirt at belt level with an indelible marker pen. The material below this line will never need ironing, thus saving time and effort.
Thank me later...
Thank me later...
Handy, bendy Gandhi
That indian bloke, Gandhi, once said "Be the change you want to see" - I tried and I ended up as £2.39.
Saturday, 1 June 2013
Follow Your Dream?
"Hey, surely you've got a dream in life? You need to realise that dream" the 'life-coach' said.
"I'm not sure I want to" I replied.
The Life coach then said, "Sure you do... what is your wildest dream?"
"Well, it's being chased by a 50ft tall Chihuahua, on a giant skateboard" I said.
The sessions ended soon after that!
The Cannon of Scripture
Ever had days like these?
Don't bale out... your circumstances are a vehicle, to accelerate you into another place.
Never give up!!! God Bless you !
Don't bale out... your circumstances are a vehicle, to accelerate you into another place.
Never give up!!! God Bless you !
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