Hey Mums, are you fed up with Blinking all the time?
Try V8 carrot juice. (Fortified with loads of E-numbers)
V8 - you'll be able to see who's at the door...
...for up to 3miles"
Sunday, 30 June 2013
Saturday, 29 June 2013
Bits On The Promenade
Went to Swanage, in Dorset, once. They have a section on 'Studland Beach' that is for nudists. I didn't know, until I had walked too far.
A bloke, completely 'starkers" passed by me and said, "Good morning, it's looking nice out today, isn't it?"
"I'd rather not look" I replied and walked on.
A bloke, completely 'starkers" passed by me and said, "Good morning, it's looking nice out today, isn't it?"
"I'd rather not look" I replied and walked on.
A Pharisee's Bread & Butter
When despots want to bind slaves forever - they make them proud of their chains
Re: Unscriptural Tradition & Teaching
Friday, 28 June 2013
Slice of Life
Are you tired of never knowing how many watermelons you own?
Well now those geniuses at Tyson have invented the 'Melonmatic'.
I bought one and I've discovered I actually own 3 melons... Life can only get better from now on.
Only £20 +VAT - (£399 inc.VAT)
Well now those geniuses at Tyson have invented the 'Melonmatic'.
I bought one and I've discovered I actually own 3 melons... Life can only get better from now on.
Only £20 +VAT - (£399 inc.VAT)
"Talent Borrows, Genius Steals...
Naïvety allows others to sue you, for your own flipp'in idea"
Naïvety allows others to sue you, for your own flipp'in idea"
Hair of the dog...
Went to do a Course on "Rejection Issues".
When I got to the venue, they told me to "s*d off".
(joke)
When I got to the venue, they told me to "s*d off".
(joke)
Soap
An unemployed colt protesting to the son of a 4x4 owner
"Horse Power, HA" we think it said in Horse Language.
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Secret Room Service
Special Agent George Cholesterol demonstrates the new watch-device that lets someone, caught behind enemy lines, bar-b-que some ribs... mmmmm mm. Ribs N Sauce... erm... it also has inbuilt lasers and a EMP generator.
Tears for Beers
I heard a voice come from a bottle of lager the other night... it said "Oi, what you looking at yer parrot-faced idiot, do you wanna fight about it?"... I went to smash it, but I'm glad to say, the barman reassured me by saying "It's alright mate, it's just the beer talking."
"It's a very, very... Mad World"
Bee Kind to everyone
Proverbs 16:24
"Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones."
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
Mixed Blessings
Mrs Beany and Mr Brian Glutton celebrate 25 years of marriage today. Beany is a clown and Brian an "alternative" stand up comedian.
In the mid-eighties, their inter-comedy marriage was frowned upon by all sections of the comedy circuit. Beany was expelled from her circus and Brian heckled at every gig by gangs of clownist thugs.
"In the early days, we had pretend bricks through the window, our car was covered in margarine and we had fake dog poo, put through our letter box. The rubbish practical jokes were just terrible" said Brian.
Today, however, they have paved the way for many couples from the clown and stand-up communities to tie the knot.
Don Hipster, of the Comedy Store, is quoted as saying "Their marriage is a joke, but a joke that's really not that funny!"
"In the early days, we had pretend bricks through the window, our car was covered in margarine and we had fake dog poo, put through our letter box. The rubbish practical jokes were just terrible" said Brian.
Today, however, they have paved the way for many couples from the clown and stand-up communities to tie the knot.
Don Hipster, of the Comedy Store, is quoted as saying "Their marriage is a joke, but a joke that's really not that funny!"
Beg Little Doggy Beg
"The best things in life are free £2.39"
..well, that's austerity tax for you.
..well, that's austerity tax for you.
Do not try this at home.
Tuesday, 25 June 2013
Monday, 24 June 2013
Pretty Vacant
There are some people with such a fear of what people think of them, that they keep a "Visitors Book" next to the toilet.
Uploading Our Minds By 2045
"We'll be uploading our entire MINDS to computers by 2045 and our bodies will be replaced by machines within 90 years", Google expert claims.
Ray Kurzweil, director of engineering at Google, believes we will be able to upload our entire brains to computers within the next 32 years - an event known as singularity.
Our 'fragile' human body parts will be replaced by machines by the turn of the century, and if these predictions comes true, it could make humans immortal... ..."humans"?
So... there'll be racist, violent, rebellious computers? Passive/Aggressive iPads and Smart phones taking "selfies" of themselves? - scary days.
You can imagine reminiscing to virtual grandkids "Call me Old Fashioned, but I remember when we had to experience life in all it's fullness, feel the wind and sun on our faces... have a cuddle, go for a swim in the sea... them were the good old days... aw, look at your little avatars, you don't know what I'm talking about. You 'versions' today, you don't know when you were born!" (Literally)
The greediest, most selfishly ambitious get the best seats in this new world... those that can afford the biggest hard drives and network... they would rule such a world, but in nanoseconds - nothing changes in that respect. So what's the point?
It's Satan's old scam from eden, "ye shall be as gods" !
"Ohhh gotta get the new upgrade... gotta get the new upgrade!"
Think for a minute... while you still can!
Ray Kurzweil, director of engineering at Google, believes we will be able to upload our entire brains to computers within the next 32 years - an event known as singularity.
Our 'fragile' human body parts will be replaced by machines by the turn of the century, and if these predictions comes true, it could make humans immortal... ..."humans"?
So... there'll be racist, violent, rebellious computers? Passive/Aggressive iPads and Smart phones taking "selfies" of themselves? - scary days.
You can imagine reminiscing to virtual grandkids "Call me Old Fashioned, but I remember when we had to experience life in all it's fullness, feel the wind and sun on our faces... have a cuddle, go for a swim in the sea... them were the good old days... aw, look at your little avatars, you don't know what I'm talking about. You 'versions' today, you don't know when you were born!" (Literally)
The greediest, most selfishly ambitious get the best seats in this new world... those that can afford the biggest hard drives and network... they would rule such a world, but in nanoseconds - nothing changes in that respect. So what's the point?
It's Satan's old scam from eden, "ye shall be as gods" !
"Ohhh gotta get the new upgrade... gotta get the new upgrade!"
Think for a minute... while you still can!
Sunday, 23 June 2013
Wot You Look'in At?
When someone's kid just stares at you, it reminds me of driving past a Police car; although you've done nothing wrong, it's still unnerving.
Saturday, 22 June 2013
Got Moobs like Jagger...
As, ageing rock band, the Rolling Stones prepare to headline at the Pilton... sorry, Glastonbury Music Festival next week, their set (they are planning on playing), has been leaked to Wikileaks.
Here it is Folks:
ROLLING STONES SET: GLASTONBURY FESTIVAL 2013
1. Brown Sugar
- Band pause to all have a lovely Werther's Original.
2. Jumping Jack Flash
- Band need to all have a wee wee.
3. Paint it Black
- Band have another Werther's Original, a bowl of Soup and then a lovely afternoon nap.
END OF SET
I feel I can take the Mick (pun intended) out of them, because I was born in Dartford, (like Jagger and Richards), plus I live near Glastonbury. It's not as though they could chase me very far anyway.
The Rolling Stones - before Wardrobe
Here it is Folks:
ROLLING STONES SET: GLASTONBURY FESTIVAL 2013
1. Brown Sugar
- Band pause to all have a lovely Werther's Original.
2. Jumping Jack Flash
- Band need to all have a wee wee.
3. Paint it Black
- Band have another Werther's Original, a bowl of Soup and then a lovely afternoon nap.
END OF SET
I feel I can take the Mick (pun intended) out of them, because I was born in Dartford, (like Jagger and Richards), plus I live near Glastonbury. It's not as though they could chase me very far anyway.
Merkel Selfie
Selfi photo by Chancellor Merkel on her iPhone. (Taken from her Facebook Page). President Obama refused to join in, but she went ahead anyway. He, allegedly, later said, "I don't want information about me on the internet - what about my privacy?"
I Blame The Money-Men
The Evil Galactic Empire never really caught on, in the beginning. It was only when they applied for National Lottery Funding under the guise of the "Wookie Aid" rock concert, that they got the financial help they needed.
They funnelled the grant into something called the "The Really Scary Star", to be used as a stage-prop at the benefit concert. However, the funds were really used for a prototype killer space station. "The Really Scary Star" was a name that really didn't catch on, so they hired an image consultant, based on the planet Alderaan, who came up with the title "Death Star". The Emperor claimed all the credit of course. The Charity Commission have had trouble in proving all the above, as all the paperwork was on the original "Death Star" when it blew up. Yeah Right!
I guess the moral of the story is Do Not Fund or Arm fledging sociopaths; or you'll be funding a war against them within the decade.
They funnelled the grant into something called the "The Really Scary Star", to be used as a stage-prop at the benefit concert. However, the funds were really used for a prototype killer space station. "The Really Scary Star" was a name that really didn't catch on, so they hired an image consultant, based on the planet Alderaan, who came up with the title "Death Star". The Emperor claimed all the credit of course. The Charity Commission have had trouble in proving all the above, as all the paperwork was on the original "Death Star" when it blew up. Yeah Right!
Vader and Sidious, the early days, putting together a scaled model
of their "Really Scary Star" for there Funding Bid Package.
I guess the moral of the story is Do Not Fund or Arm fledging sociopaths; or you'll be funding a war against them within the decade.
Friday, 21 June 2013
Hello Mr Braithwaite... have some tea?
Erm, just on the back of the two previous posts... erm, quick Dave, think of some clever quip that is intended to make me sound intelligent and profound... the whole world is tuning in!... erm... ohh... I dunno... erm... yeah, ok, right... - one in six babies born in the world are Chinese? !!!
It's interesting, because I've got five other brothers, so therefore one of them must be Chinese!
Let's see now.... there's Steve, Jim, Harry, Paul and Lo Fu Wan.
My guess is that it's Jim!
It's interesting, because I've got five other brothers, so therefore one of them must be Chinese!
Let's see now.... there's Steve, Jim, Harry, Paul and Lo Fu Wan.
My guess is that it's Jim!
The Great Escape
The only way to win a "mind-game" ...is NOT to play!
1 Corinthians 13:8
"Love never fails…"
Pining
Watching the world attempting to purchase it’s "spirituality",
is like watching the ‘Parrot Sketch.'
is like watching the ‘Parrot Sketch.'
Thursday, 20 June 2013
Shark Pubs
Be careful about going into shark pubs. This photo was taken at 'The Kings Fins' on an iPhone.
I was minding my own business, when this moronic guy says to me "What are you ******* looking at?" Nah, life's too short for that sort of aggro... so I left.
Ended up in a seaweed cafe instead? Surreal or what?
I was minding my own business, when this moronic guy says to me "What are you ******* looking at?" Nah, life's too short for that sort of aggro... so I left.
Ended up in a seaweed cafe instead? Surreal or what?
Vim & Vigour
When I was 15, for some nutty reason, I decided that I wanted a canary-yellow streak, at the front of my hair.
I didn't have any money to go out and buy hair colorant, so I looked around the house for some bleach. I found a tin-tube of "VIM" scouring powder, which had the word "bleach"on it. "That'll do" I thought.
I wetted my hair and then poured the VIM scouring powder on my hair. I waited 30 minutes before washed it out. My hair was exactly the same colour as before however...
...the only plus I can take away from all of this, is that my hair was probably much cleaner!
So folks... if you want to bleach your hair, on a budget... VIM doesn't work! I'm sure, some other strange person out there, will thank me. (true story)
I didn't have any money to go out and buy hair colorant, so I looked around the house for some bleach. I found a tin-tube of "VIM" scouring powder, which had the word "bleach"on it. "That'll do" I thought.
I wetted my hair and then poured the VIM scouring powder on my hair. I waited 30 minutes before washed it out. My hair was exactly the same colour as before however...
...the only plus I can take away from all of this, is that my hair was probably much cleaner!
So folks... if you want to bleach your hair, on a budget... VIM doesn't work! I'm sure, some other strange person out there, will thank me. (true story)
VIM: Not the first choice of Hair stylists
Wednesday, 19 June 2013
Serial Killers Are People Too, Damm'it !!!
The New President of Iran seems friendly enough. He doesn't look like the sort to pretend to be moderate whilst secretly continuing with Iran's plans to nuke Saudi Arabia and Israel.
Shall we trust him?. Well he does have a lovely smile...
We can then leave the rest to history...
Shall we trust him?. Well he does have a lovely smile...
Smile or Simile?
We can then leave the rest to history...
Smile
Smile
Smile
Smile
Smile
Matthew 7:15-16
“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?"
O.C.D.- "lite"
How come we hate to have the volume of our car radio, on an odd number?
or is it just me?
or is it just me?
Tuesday, 18 June 2013
007
I remember taking my mum to watch the James Bond movie "Casino Royale".
It's about 180 minutes long... full of action, romance, gadgets and stunts.
When It finished, I asked my mum "What did you think of the movie? Did you think it was good?"
She said "Yes... u-huh..."
Then after a long pause added, "Which one was James Bond?"
Doh! - you can't make this sort of thing, up.
Monday, 17 June 2013
Science Fiction
The Cult of Ron Hubbard,
went to the cupboard,
to get his poor dogs a bone.
But when he got there,
The cupboard was NOT bare,
...in fact, it was full of skeletons.
went to the cupboard,
to get his poor dogs a bone.
But when he got there,
The cupboard was NOT bare,
...in fact, it was full of skeletons.
B.S. baffles brains
There's Somebody At The Door...
What Rod Hull and Emu never knew, was that behind all the public horribleness,
Grotbags just needed to be loved, too.
Grotbags just needed to be loved, too.
Bear with someone else today
Bear with someone else today
Colossians 3:13
"...bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do."
Sunday, 16 June 2013
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